Monday, July 24, 2006

Feel like the wheels coming off the wagon?

Drink@Work will make you feel better. It could be worse. These could be the breaking news at CNN.

--Taliban forces capture control of U.S. Senate, hold Republican Party line on women’s reproductive rights, gay marriage, stem cell research and reprimands for unfavorable news coverage.

-- Category 9 hurricane removes North Carolina. South Carolina, Georgia residents await inevitable.

--North Korean missile tests have awoken 50-meter, prehistoric metaphor off coast of Japan. Witnesses describe fire-breathing, screaming creature as “pugnacious, unstoppable.”

--Millions fleeing from everywhere. Updates as events warrant.

--NASA officials report space shuttle Discovery has landed at Kennedy Space Center in Florida, inadvertently carrying deadly alien virus, deadly alien and Death himself.

--U.S. Federal authorities report swarms of killer bees returning to southern portion of United States. Each bee said to be piloting stolen F-14.

--Approaching 40-mile meteor observed moments ago by bored Little League outfielder.

--Rand McNally removes Lebanon from all maps, globes.

--Latest al-Qaeda video reveals terrorist organization has mastered cloning. President Bush vows to continue seeking all Osama bin Ladens.

--Molemen no longer stuff of legend. Numerous underground attacks cause oil prices to skyrocket to $200 a barrel.

--Canada, Mexico make historic agreement to share border. United States to conscript everyone.

--The Center for Disease Control reports “everything stolen” from labs.

--Apes said to be mobilizing, donning armor, attending Berlitz language classes, establishing governing body.

--Excessive heat warnings issued for the Northeast, Midwest, southern plain states and North Pole.

--G8 summit ends with world leaders huddled in corner, crying.

--Red vines, crop circles, ray gun attacks witnessed throughout world.

--Sharp, sudden increase in "manimals" linked to casual consumption of corn fructose, vitamins, water.

--Talks between India and Pakistan break off as both nations begin to raise, arm undead.

--Rocket ship with world's best and brightest seen blasting off earlier today. Explanation still pending.

--Earth appears to have just passed by Mars, fast approaching Jupiter.

If it really gets too bad for you, just say "I blame Bush."

Hat tip Skippy-san.

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