Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Ahh .... the life of as Staff Weenie

In their heart of hearts, the MA/Aide/ADC of a GOFO hates their job.

Depending on who you work for - even the best ones after awhile grind on your soul.

Being a MA can be the worst - as you get asked to do things that, well, read the following from a friend:

MA: "An update on what, Sir?"
Him: "On the status of the division."
MA: "Forward or rear?"
Him: "Both."
MA: "Okay, what would you like the update to cover?" (Since I already write
the daily operational summary, the daily frago, the weekly summary, and
about six other summaries on daily stuff)
Him: "Just put a brief together, and I'll adjust it."
MA: ?!? (Stupid look) Roger, sir.
(This as akin to sitting in a restaurant and telling the waiter "I want food. Bring me food, and if I like it, I'll eat it. If not, I'll send it back and you can bring me more food." One of the things he did want (after I put the update together) was a daily schedule... for him. Like I a) have any idea what his daily routine is, or b) suddenly look like the Secretary for the General Staff (who manages the DC-R calendar) Again, no guidance other than make me a schedule. I am a bad, bad boy):
0400 Wake up screaming about the Penguins
0410 Remember where I am
0412 Remember who I am
0415 Pee
0416 Go to Bathroom
0417 Pee
0418 Lift lid on toilet
0418 Pee
0419 Open fly on Jammies
0420 Pee
0427 Get dressed
0445 Take off wife’s clothes, put mine on
0450 Make list of things to ask people today
0455 Put list away
0500 Go to Office
0500-0610 Read email, make a list of things to ask people today
0610-0625 Go to PT field, take attendance
0630-0745 Lead Officer PT: make sure we do something I am good at
0745-0800 walk home
0800-0815 walk back to work, drive home
0815 Arrive home, call MPs to tell them about strange people in my house
0820 Apologize to my neighbor, go to my actual house
0830 Change out of PTs, get some breakfast
0840 Sit on porch to eat breakfast
0842 MPs tell me I have to put clothes on
0850 Take shower. Make sure Duckie comes with me
0900 Get dressed in uniform, go to work
0905 Read “Eyes only” emails from CG
0910 Ask Division Operations Center Staff if they are tracking the info contained in my "eyes only" emails
0915 Ask for a new product from the Division Operations Center. Give no guidance other than “Give me what you think I want, then I’ll change it.”
0920 Go to office, stare at floor
1015 Take nap
1120 Go to lunch. Tell waiter to “bring me food, and I’ll send back whatever I don’t like” until he gets it right
1220 Wander around HQs building, asking section chiefs questions they are unprepared to answer because the info is out of their lane
1250 Look at pictures on wall of HQs
1300 Pee
1305 Go to latrine with spare underpants
1310 Send SGS home to get more spare underpants
1320 Wander aimlessly through PX, buy paste
1400 Take nap
1430 Wander around PT field
1450 Walk into Division Operations Center, ask if they have the slides with the solution to the Riemann Hypothesis updated
1500 Meet with G3, give him guidance
1510 Meet with Deputy G3 give him different guidance
1520 time for a snack
1522 Eat paste… Minty!
1540 Make G3 smell my new minty breath
1545 Make Paper hats with Protocol Secretary
1550 Put on finger puppet play in my office
1600 T-Time! (Host tea party for my GI Joe Action Figures)
1620 Polish Ranger Tab
1645 SVTC with Division Operations Center Forward, ask them If they know why the man-o-war are washing up at the beach. Tells them not to touch the sanctuary personnel.
1700 Eat dinner. .. Minty!
1730 Make prank calls to LTG Mixon, pretending to be Richard Nixon
1745 Take Nap
1830 Send out emails asking why you have not completed a suspense I just made up
1845 Run home
1900 Return to HQS
1905 Drive home
2000 Watch Dancing with the Stars, Glee, Wife Swap, and reruns of the Osmonds and Lawrence Welk.
0100 Send out emails asking why people are so slow in responding to emails
0200 Call my office phone, blame Division Operations Center for not answering
0215 Go to bed


Andy said...

After a gloomy start to a gloomy week, thanks Sal, I needed that.  Sucks to be them. :)

Stu said...

The food part reminded me of a comic strip that I used to see when I was at OPNAV with a senior officer (CAPT?) asking a LT do find him a rock?  Has anyone seen it and more importantly....do they have a copy?

Stu said...

This also reminds me of hearing stories about a particular Flag when he headed up MSC.  Apparently, he would pester his 24-hour watch with calls from home that his cable was out or from his cell phone to complain that particular ATM out on town wasn't working.  

Dave Navarre said...

From what I understand, retiring doesn't cure them of that habit, though it does deprive them of the staff to respond to it....

GBS said...

A much needed yet overlooked post on a day like yesterday.

C-dore 14 said...

Stu, His first name didn't happen to be Dave did it?

Stu said...

James was his first name.  Late 90s.

twinkie said...

Having been a planner at division level a few times in my career, I had a great chuckle at the Riemann Hypothesis nod.  I had a few problems that felt like that one...

The "that's not what I'm looking for, but I'll know it when I see it" thing is not just an old wives' tale.