Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I'll tell you why it isn't working

Looking at the below YouTube video, a few things came to mind.

The premise of this self-absorbed "video" is that this guy is all caught up in his girlfriend and then, well, watch it then come back.

OK, you're back. Time for tough love for pony-tail boy.
  • First of all, from the looks of it you are somewhere between an old-looking 20 and a young looking 28. That is a tough time for some men because they don't realize that though they have not changed; their women have. Let me try to explain. On balance, something kicks in for the majority of women by age 22.
  • From age 15-20 there are a lot of women (AKA GRL-1A), good women, who are attracted to the usual 80s Movie Gaggle (AKA BTD-1A) of men; the Jock, the Bad Boy, Guitar Playing Boy, the Neuvo-Hippie, Poet Boy, Surfer Dude. A variation on the female theme is the L.U.G. (AKA Lesbian Until Graduation). For the men, there are also the Geek, Mathlete, Computer Geek (there is a difference), National Merit Scholar, and Quite Guy (BTD-2A) who are more often than not, woman wise, left in the cold unless they manage to give some hint of the 80s Gaggle to their personality.
  • As long as Mom and/or Dad are paying the bills, GRL-1A likes to stick with their BTD-1A or play around as a LUG as it makes them feel hipper-than-thou, run with an interesting crowd, and gives them the ability to feel care-free.
  • Something happens between 20-22, some of the BTD-1A start to see the writing on the wall and begin to transition to BTD-1B. They keep the front of their BTD-1A self, but all of a sudden the grades improve and subtle changes take place in how they dress and behave. The Rolling Stone, Sports Illustrated, and FHM become augmented with Money, Fortune, and National Review. They start to hang out less with their hard-core BTD-1A friends. Many BTD-2A start to change as well; they tend to fill out, have better cars than BTD-1A/B types - and for some reason are seen hanging out with what you thought were GRL-1A. It is at this point that you can define a new species to go with the new BTD-1B; BTD-2B and GRL-1B (GRL-1B is a 1A who had decided that her BTD-1A boyfriend has the earning potential of a turnip and cannot afford a ring she wouldn't be ashamed to show in public - even if he could get over his "issues" enough to decide to get one). The closer you get to age 22, strange confederations of BTD-1B, BTD-2B, and GRL-1B can be seen about - usually in Student Government, elected Fraternity and Sorority offices, and GMAT, GRE and LSAT prep courses. Non-transitional BTD-1A, GRL-1A, and LUGs are perplexed and having trouble finding people for a road trip to New Orleans. Pre-transitional LUGs flirt with becoming a Butch (LUG-1B) when their girlfriend does a rash transition to a quasi GRL-1B and becomes a GRL-1C by dating a BTD-2B. A solid percentage of these LUGs decide on getting back at their former LUG girlfriend by seducing the BTD-2B post 3-some, but afterwards transition as well to GRL-1C after hooking up with the BTD-2B's BTD-2A friend George. She takes about 2 weeks of shopping with him and getting him new glasses and a haircut to transition him to the more socially acceptable BTD-2B. She also gets rid of all her flannel shirts to effect the full transition to GRL-1C. Her newly formed BTD-2B boyfriend has no clue that she used to be a LUG - but he does keep asking when they can have a 3-some too. She isn't taking the chance that some other pre-transition LUG or new GRL-1C will take him. He is pre-Med with 3.87. No 3-some; she is done with chicks.
  • At age 22 many of the non-transition BTD-1As leave school, and the BTD-2A that remain have the potential to become terminal BTD-2As. Both A models have that potential to get stuck, though there are late bloomers to both. By age 25 though, the odds of transition are minimal. Almost all GRL-1A transition to GRL-1B by now. The remaining GRL-1As either leave school with their BTD-1A boyfriends or gain a lot of weight and suffer through another year until they graduate with a Communications BA in 5-years.
  • Here is where a very big transition takes place. Between 22 and 25 the BTD-1B and BTD-2B merge into MAN-1A and the GRL-1B and GRL-1C merge into WMN-1A. Though you can sometimes tell what a MAN-1A used to be, it is very difficult to tell what a WMN-1A used to be. One thing is clear, a WMN-1A wants nothing to do with a BTD of any type. Sure, in late middle age she may fool around with one for a spin or two - but make no mistake - she is focused on who is a good provider, husband, and father - not necessarily in that order - and she knows that at BTD cannot do any of the above to her satisfaction. If she is stuck with a BTD boyfriend when she transitions to WMN-1A, there is a small grace period where the BTD boyfriend (or in some cases husband) is given a chance to "get with the program." If he doesn't, well, that is where you find yourself at the end of the video.
  • So, what is my advice? In short; grow up.
    • Get rid of the pony-tail. No WMN is going to invest time in a man who spends more time with his hair than she does her's.
    • Get a car. Seriously, I don't care how cute it was in "40-yr Old Virgin." You need a car.
    • Get rid of the thumb-ring.
    • Get over yourself. There is a great line from an OK movie, Phenomenon,
      Every woman has her chair, something she needs to put herself into, Banes. You ever figure out what Lisa's chairs were and buy 'em?
      It isn't all about you. It is about her. The faster you realize that the better you will be. Accept it, embrace it, and perhaps - perhaps - you won't find yourself being loser-boy hanging out by yourself with a last minute handful of flowers, a cheap ring, and a text message dump.

As a side note to female transitions, there are many more transitions that catch BTD's scratching their heads.
  • The high-school bitter Goth Girl that went to college after going away to Europe for a year. No one knows how or why, but the summer after her Senior Year she re-did her hair, took a modeling course and spend the year as a model in Italy. Came back a LUG; graduated with 3.92 in some technical field and wound up getting married to a 5'4" Jewish accountant. Ms. "All religion if fraud" born Episcopalian converted and is now Kosher.
  • The Valley Girl uber-GRL-1A type who had three cases of Chlamydia, one case of genital warts, and a unknown series of medical procedures, who only dated Jocks wound up going to law school and getting married to a Old Money New England type and now spends her summers on the Hamptons with her kids Skip, Emma, and Kaitlan.
There are also many other transition types that can leave a guy stuck, and all sorts of GRL, WMN, BTD, MAN types out there - but perhaps those are for a different post on a different day. One thing is for sure, when you go to your 20th High School Reunion - there will be a lot more of the former BTD-2A types around, and almost non of the non-transitioned BTD-1A around. Why? The former BTD-2A now MAN-1A have very good looking, very smart, and very fun wives - and are therefor quite happy with their lives. The former BTD-1A are usually overweight, have poor jobs, and are stuck with nightmare wives or are just divorced by for the second time and their probation officer in Leon County would not let them make the trip.

That is Phibian's advice. You can take mine, or this guy's.

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