Wednesday, April 29, 2009

12 steps ....

About that post from 01 APR - a little more on the subject from Chris Hunter's book Eight Lives Down.

STEP 1 Speech:
• Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred. It is not “zero five thirty” or “fourteen hundred.” “It is five thirty” or two o’clock.”
• “Fuck” cannot be used to replace whatever word you can’t think of right now. Try “um.”
• Grunting is not talking
• It’s a phone, not a radio. Conversations on a phone do not follow a set procedure and do not end in “out.”
STEP 2 Style:
• Do not put creases in your jeans.
• Do not put creases in the front of your dress shirts.
• Do not iron your collar flat.
STEP 3 Women:
• Being divorced twice by the time you’re twenty-three is not normal; neither are six-month marriages, even if it is your first.
• Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make financial sense.
STEP 4 Personal accomplishments:
• In the real world, being able to do push-ups will not make you better at your job.
• Most people will be slightly disturbed if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
• How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
STEP 5 Drinking:
• In the real world, being drunk before 5 p.m. will get you a reprimand and formal warning, not a pat on the back.
• That time you drank a full slab of beer and pissed in your wardrobe is not a conversation starter.
STEP 6 Bodily functions:
• Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as “unprofessional.”
• The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny, no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
• You can’t make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.
STEP 7 The human body:
• Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it’s true.
STEP 8. Spending habits:
• One day you will have to pay bills.
• Buying a $40,000 car on a $20,000-a-year salary is a really bad idea.
• One day you will need health insurance.
STEP 9. Interacting with civilians:
• Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be appreciated.
STEP 10. Real jobs:
• They really can fire you.
• On the flip side, you really can quit.
• Screaming at the people who work for you will not be normal. Remember they really can quit too.
• Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
• Remember, 9 to 5, not 0530 to 1800.
STEP 11. The law:
• Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
• Your workplace, unlike your command, can’t save you and probably won’t; in fact, most likely you will be fired about five minutes after they find out you’ve been arrested.
• Even McDonald’s does background checks and conviction isn’t going to help you get the job.
• Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you arrested, not yelled at on Monday morning before they ask you if you won.
STEP 12. General knowledge:
• You can really say what you think about the President of the United States.
• Pain is not weakness escaping the body, it’s just pain.
• They won’t wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are, so be polite.
• And lastly, read the contracts before you sign them. Remember what happened the first time.

Hat tip LBG.

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