Thursday, February 09, 2012

Advice to a "Temporary" Boyfriend ...

Let her go. Stick with the plan - let her find another path without you.

Mrs. Salamander married me as a LTJG. She did not come from a military family (neither did I) and she expected, as I did, that once I finished my obligation, that I would stop playing Sailor and come home. Well ... we know how that worked out ... and she reminds me of that bait and switch on a regular basis, still ...

She left behind professional opportunities few have waiting for them at any time in their life, much less in their mid-20s ... for me. She did not "marry up" by any stretch. From the position of her family in society, to her education and business connections, she left all of that behind ... for me. She left her family's home for generations to live places she did not like ... for me.

In the 44 months after I put an engagement ring on her finger - I was deployed 23 months along with a few weeks gone here and there. I left her in a place she did not like with people she did not know - and in a classic "knives club" situation - once she did get to know them she did not like them. She did that for me.

We've been married over 20 years now, 17 of those while I was on active duty with a lot more deployments than those in the first few years.

She only went to one spouse pre-deployment meeting and never went to another. She bluntly said to me, "These things are stupid. I don't need to know about different phase of emotion during deployment - I'm going to get to "anger" and stay there."

She did. One thing about her though - from the counter-protesting as she finished her JD against the Useful Idiots on her campus spouting foolishness against what we were doing in DESERT STORM, to the pounds of her homemade cookies mailed to the four-corners of the earth, to helping my family keep a level head during all the other conflicts I found myself in - I never had a question that at home I had a rock. She was and is my rock.

I never had to worry about what was happening at home. All was secured to my rock. I was able to focus on my mission and my Sailors - because I had not a single worry behind me. That blessing is one you can't put a price on because it is priceless.

I also saw people who did not have what I had. People paying bills on deployment because they could not trust their spouse with money. Girlfriends doing things not suitable for discussion. I've been jolted awake in the middle of the night in the middle of the Atlantic for "man overboard" because a Sailor went straight from reading a "Dear John" letter in his rack, to running to the stern of the ship, past AIMD and over the fantail. Never saw him again.

I've seen people put themselves and their Sailors in danger because they were distracted by people at home who just decided that they and their need for drama was more important than anyone else in the world.

There is no greater gift in the world to a servicemember than that of a great spouse or partner. Contrary to what some people may think - there is no such thing as "destiny." There is no such thing as "only one" person you can fall in love with. If that were true, no widow or widower would ever re-marry; no one would recover from a broken heart.

No, you can make choices in life - and to my NY National Guard Shipmate let me offer you this bit of advice - Jonathan, let her go. Stick with the plan. Never look back. If she comes back, walk away faster.

If a reader hasn't read it yet - I am talking about Jessica Nicastro's very honest article in the NYT, "A ‘Temporary’ Boyfriend Deploys."

Read the whole thing. Jessica sounds like a fine person I guess, but she should have nothing to do with a man in uniform. Nothing.
My temporary boyfriend likes to explain his decision to re-enlist by saying, “Chicks dig the uniform.”

If that were true, his relationship status wouldn’t be temporary.

That’s right. I’m dating an intelligent, brave, funny, handsome veteran who is preparing to redeploy to Afghanistan for a year, and I’m breaking up with him when he leaves.
I’m afraid that the loneliness that is starting to seep into his being, the loneliness that he will feel the full weight of once he puts on his uniform and that will sit in the pit of his stomach throughout the deployment, is contagious. I don’t want to share that burden with him. In fact, I’m afraid of catching it from him. Ending our relationship feels like my only option, the only vaccine.
He has told me that getting to know me has been a gift in his life. So, in return, on his 27th birthday — which just so happens to be his deployment day — I will help him celebrate by taking away his gift and walking away. Walking back to a life where you actually get to eat cake on your birthday, and keep your presents.
Take your present with grace and walk away. Look after your Soldiers and come home. Trust me, there are more great women out there - if that is what you want - who have a better personality fit for you and your future.

Don't waste a decade or more you will never get back on someone who will never be what she needs to be to be with you.

You are the one deploying; your life is on the line; you are the one serving. In her article there are about 91 "I, me, mine" or variations of the above; 64 "he, him, his," and only 13 "we, us."

That is your warning.


Actus Rhesus said...

Having read that, all I can say is, Jessica, you are a cunt.  Sorry Kristen.

On a lighter note, my favorite "Dear John" story: A bunch of the troops donated photos of their own girlfriends to the cause, and the recipient of the letter wrote back:

Dear (we'll call her's fitting)

Thank you for your letter.  Unfortunately, I am having difficulty remembering which one you are.  Can you please review the enclosed photos and annotate on the back which one is you?


PS I want the other photos back.

Guest said...

Very sad woman.

I predict that in fifteen years she will be wondering why Mr "Right" is still not in her life....

She would not recognize a good relationship if it whacked her over her head.

Some people are too damaged for any good relationship to come out of it.  Run, do not walk, away from this one.

cdrsalamander said...


BTE - tell Mr. AR that if he doesn't kiss your feet every day as a sign of the blessing you are to his life; he's doing it wrong.

Actus Rhesus said...

I use that word sparingly...but in this case, if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...

Grandpa Bluewater said...

CincHouse has 43 years as my compass and my anchor, a pearl beyond price. The whole thing was her idea to begin with, and marrying her was the luckiest thing I ever did.

Advice: Dump that self centered stinker now, now, now.

Find your self a good woman and cherish her. I highly recommend good Methodist girls from northern Ohio up by the Michigan border. I got one with a soul of stainless steel, a backbone of heavy guage bridge iron, and a heart of gold. Amazing smart, too. Our daughters are much the same, but kind of scrappy (Daddy's little girls ;) ). My grandkids...but I digress.

Lucky me. Best of luck to you.

11B40 said...


I've often wondered about how all the miracles of modern telcommunications impact our deployed military.

Back during my all-expense-paid tour of sunny Southeast Asia, our infantry platoon had a trooper who got his "Dear John (Joan ???) letter, found himself a bottle of whiskey, then picked up an M-16, and instead of shooting himself in the toe, put a round through the arch of his foot. As he was an M-79 grenadier launcher and didn't hump an M-16, he ended up losing part of his foot but gaining a court-martial and a dishonorable discharge.

Nowadays, when I see reports of (daily ???) internet and cell-phone communications between our troops in the field and their homebodies, I can't help but wonder if all these contacts aren't double edged swords. Please don't get me wrong. As an infantryman, I liked getting mail; but as a squad leader, it kind of gave me pause about what my troopers were reading. Trying to follow up on what they were reading became an SOP for log days. 

Adding to that what I perceive as the general need for adult (self ???) supervision in current culture, I can say that I don't much envy today's situation. It's hard enough to keep young men focused on what they're doing without exposing them to every idiot thay ever knew back home.

Naval_Historian said...

Mrs. Sal sounds a lot like COMNAVRESHOMEFOR; can't say enough good about Mrs. Historian. Spent a good bit of 2009-10 on the road for the HSL community and she never said a word. 100% supportive. SGT, leave while the leaving's good; you don't need the drama whilst deployed. Jessica, if you're reading this, IMHO you're looking for something that doesn't exist.  The SGT is deployed, so what? ARNG only deploys once in a 5 year cycle and when he gets back you have him for 4 years. The next one might beat you. He might be incapable of demonstrating the affection you so eloquently describe in the posting. He might be a drunk or a dope head or... well, you get the picture. Good luck finding Ward Cleaver/Mike Brady/Ozzie Nelson etc. You'll need it.

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

GIRLFIGHT!  Badger, beer me!

LT B said...

Yes, and harder to monitor.  It used to know when mail call was, and you could monitor your guys's reaction to the mail, intervene, take care of them, etc.  Now, an email comes any time, so it is harder to try to stay abreast of the mood swings and possible causes. 

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

Sounds like Jessica has some serious Daddy issues.

Shame on God for not chopping the Laws of the Universe through her office......

As for our brother soldier going down range, leave that baggage on the ramp.  Front sight, front sight, BY GOD FRONTSIGHT!

Spade said...

"<span>So, in return, on his 27th birthday — which just so happens to be his deployment day — I will help him celebrate by taking away his gift and walking away. Walking back to a life where you actually get to eat cake on your birthday, and keep your presents."</span>

Good person? After reading that she sounds like a complete bitch and I hope she gets AIDS. Seriously, planning out a break up to hit him on his birthday and the day he deploys? Why not do it now? Oh, yeah, 'cause she's a bitch.

maogwai cat said...

Concur on dem Michiganders. Mine went to Albion...

Skippy-san said...

Think of the money he will save over the long term. 8-)

UltimaRatioRegis said...

Why should anyone be the least bit surprised by this young lady's staggering selfishness?  She hasn't the courage to be a citizen of a country that requires the tree of liberty to be refreshed with the blood of patriots.  

She is the NEW American.  The Occupy American.  Who demands hardship of the physical and emotional kind be legislated away.   She is the product of a privleged and thoroughly indoctrinated generation who has never, ever faced an existential threat, nor can even conceive of one.   Not understanding that men like the one she kicked to the curb are what stand between her and the rise of just such a threat, which will either vanquish our freedoms or cost the lives of many thousands better than she to keep those freedoms.

It is to weep.  I cannot help but think back to a poem that always makes me cry.  It was written in 1943, in what the Russians called the "year of deep war".

Wait for me, and I'll come back,
Wait with all you have got.
Wait, when dreary yellow rains
Tell you, you should not.
Wait, when the snow is falling fast,
Wait when summer is hot,
Wait when yesterdays are past,
And others are forgot.
Wait, when from that far-off place,
Letters don't arrive.
Wait, when those with whom you wait,
Doubt if I am alive.

Wait for me, and I'll come back!
Wait in patience yet
When they tell you off by heart
That you should forget.
Even when my dearest ones
Say that I am lost,
Even when my friends give up,
Sit and count the cost,
Drink a glass of bitter wine
To the fallen friend -
Wait! And do not drink with them!
Wait until the end!

Wait for me and I'll come back,
Dodging every fate!
"What a bit of luck!" they'll say,
Those that would not  wait.
They will never understand
How amidst the strife,
By your waiting for me, dear,
You had saved my life. 

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

Not only does this girl deserve scorn for doing this to him, but SHE DESERVES SCORN FOR SCORNING SERVICE IN GENERAL.

"I want a life where I always work only 8 hours and have off every weekend and get my birthday off and 4th of July always falls on a monday or a friday and I get whatever I want whenever I want."

The thought of living a life of sacrifice is not only foreign to her, it is contemptible.  And she writes to the NYT like she should be celebrated for saying so.

SouthernAP said...

This is just part of the culture war segments of modern America. I mean if this good woman gets a chance to date a nice NYPD or NYFD officer, would she drop him the minute he started to pull the night shift for a month and the only time she would see the young man is at breakfast? What about meeting a nice (and lets say wealthy) international business banker/VC type who travels around the world, would she drop him if he had to spend the next four months traveling all over Asia and Europe to get an Apple like company off the ground?
I think that the "C" word is a little tough for this young woman. I think the "B" word is misguided as well. Overall I think the best descriptor for her is "Shallow" and it goes back to something that the CDR has covered numerous times before. The growing gap between military expsoure and the civilian populace.
Oh and if I had a chance to talk to this young lady I would also say to immediately change her face crack portrait so she doesn't catch flack from some on the web. Even more so since the NYT article using the same picture.

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

TURBO C$%T.  I like it.  I shall add it to my favorite hybrid-curses:  Cluster-F$#K, C$#k-Monger, Can't C#$T, F*%K STICK.

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

This is why James Bond had a passenger eject button in his Aston Martin.

xformed said...

You back in the World?  This Sat is "every other."

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

Hoo Yah!

MR T's Haircut said...

Been married for 21 years.  Like you Phib, I always knew on deployment or what not that she would be there and she always was.  The hardest part was the retirment and that adjustment of getting used to me everyday and the barnacle scraping required from not moving every 18-36 months any longer.   We were joking the other day about how soft the young ones are now with email and twitter and cell phones.. we recalled the days of Desert Storm phonecalls from Egypt and Saudi and Letters that came out of sequence starting at #47 and missing all up to #53, with no clue what happend in the middle and no mail call for weeks later.. anxious for sure but we had each other...

Still Do.

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

You lost me at "C" and "B" words are too tough.  Otherwise agreed.

MR T's Haircut said...

No name calling will have any effect on this person.  She is too self absorbed... this guy will find his rock and anchor.. they are out there..

DeltaBravo said...

Sigh.   Sad.  I'll inject a little counterpoint....

Pay very careful attention to the words someone uses to describe themselves.  Brutal and cruel?  She's "not a gift?"  What kind of horrible issues does this poor little girl have?  But she asks in the middle of this a very pertinent question.... does her temporary boyfriend like battlefields, emotional and otherwise?  It takes two to tango at this game.  He got a shiny pretty girl who is easy with her affections.  And he knows she has issues and he holds her close anyway.  He either likes playing with fire, or he's way too nice for his own good.  Stories like this don't happen in a vacuum.

I wouldn't be too harsh on her for one reason.... she's part of a huge trend.  The young ladies of her generation, statistically half of them, are wounded.  Deeply.  She's afraid to be someone's support.  She's never seen how.  She doesn't know that you can feel more lonely and isolated in a room with someone and feel close at heart with a person around the world.  She is afraid of abandonment and so she's always the first to leave.  There's lots more like her out there.  And it's not entirely her fault.

You see... there are many Mrs. Salamanders out there.... and some of us come from families of multi-generational supportive service wives.  Their spouses could disappear for a year or five and never wonder if their wives were doing their duties and being faithful and responsible.  But not every man appreciates that like Phib and the others here.  They don't value what they have.  And so daddies walk.  And they leave misery in their wake and Jessicas by the tens of thousands.... who have little clue what real trust and love and sacrifice and inter-dependency look like.  So for those who may even think in the darkest part of their mind whether they should leave the ol' wife.... ask yourself if you're not going to launch a "gift" that keeps on giving like Jessica here.  Somewhere down the line your kids and those they deal with in life will pay for it.

MR T's Haircut said...


MR T's Haircut said...

At least she wont get half his retirement....

DeltaBravo said...

Beautiful poem, URR.   But the flip side of this whole post is that not everyone who waits is rewarded...

And it starts a cycle....

Pogue said...

May Jessica hook up with a guy just like her.

UltimaRatioRegis said...


True enough.  But to state that she has no intention of waiting? 

HE is deploying.  And she refuses to be there when he returns, because the deployment will be too difficult on HER?

TheMightyQ said...

Well written, succint, and brilliant.

DeltaBravo said...

Pope John Paul II said something profound:  The opposite of "love" is not "to hate".  It is "to use."  This girl is a user.  She's using him for a time.  He's allowing himself to be used.  Or maybe he doesn't think that particular bullet has his name on it.  Or maybe it's a two-way street and he's using her too.  We only hear her side here. 

DeltaBravo said...

I'm wondering why he didn't solve the whole problem for her once he realized she was flimsy and not on board for the long haul.  Unless he wanted a temporary girlfriend till he deployed.  No strings attached.  (See my post on using up higher...)  I'm sure she gave signals and in their deep conversations she let him know all her doubts and every thought that flitted through her head.  That kind just can't shut up.  If she told the NYT and the world, imagine what she told him!  So if he is ignoring boatloads of intel dropped right into his lap, he's got issues too. 

Byron said...

Well, derz de ants in dis worl, and den derz t'  'rasshoppahs....

Byron said...

Think "other side of world"...cold, dusty and it stinks.

UltimaRatioRegis said...

If it all works out the way I want it to, he comes home with a Bronze Star, meets a stunning blonde whose brother is also a Veteran, and they get married and live together through thick and thin for the rest of their days, raising three children in a loving and patriotic household.

And Jessica there gets involved with an "Occupy" protestor who burns through all her money to support his coke habit, and he gives her the clap.

Byron said...

Actually I was thinking the best thing for her to do is get a cat and an indoor herb garden...

SouthernAP said...


I am trying to clean up my language for my lovely wife and to protect the gentle ears of any females that read this. The "B" word rhymes with Witch and the "C" word rhymes with Punt.

I say that because I was dumped on my first deployment by a nice young woman who was gong to W&M college in Williamsburg VA; she loved me, her dad loved me, her mother loathed me. That I am sure I can understand why this young "Temp" boyfriend is going through. Why? Well in a slip of the tongue after a good bottle of port during a social function this mother said I wasn't a college educated young man and I was a killer, all military members are killers; ergo I wasn't worthy of her daughter. The comeuppance was a few years back I was back in Norfolk and happened to run across the young lady. The difference is that she blew up after two kids and her husband had been fired from his law firm because of some shady legal actions. In the end I was still admiring my shiny PO1 crows and that at the time my career was on a little rocket trip up. I am now married to a beautiful woman who stuck with me dating during my fourth deployment and suffered through another one only months later when I transferred and is helping me out as I transition to a civilian career.

LT B said...

Yeah, I won't make it this weekend. :)   On the other hand, I'm in an interesting gig here, so I have that working for me. 

SouthernAP said...


"I wouldn't be too harsh on her for one reason.... she's part of a huge trend.  The young ladies of her generation, statistically half of them, are wounded.  Deeply.  She's afraid to be someone's support.  She's never seen how.  She doesn't know that you can feel more lonely and isolated in a room with someone and feel close at heart with a person around the world.  She is afraid of abandonment and so she's always the first to leave.  There's lots more like her out there.  And it's not entirely her fault."

I think that paragraph is fallout from the "Third-Wave of feminism" that rose up in the 1990s. Which basically stated that women are powerful creatures who don't need no one to lean on for support but thier fellow sisters and that they alone define who gets their love. They are more then willing to identify themselves as Sluts, Whores or bitches because it supposedly empowers them and they don't realize it degrades them. See for example one Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and the newest Miley Cyrus as examples of this wave.

UltimaRatioRegis said...

Love is blind.  And it is also somewhat deaf.  Especially if there is a tune being played by actions that is discordant to the one being played by words.

DeltaBravo said...

Naah.  Not as simple as all that, SAP.  And Paris, Lilo and Miley are just public examples of what happens when families disintegrate.  The only difference is they just make money off their family disfunctions.  The other side of the coin is the fact that young men of a certain age are sure to pay all their attention to the wrong girls.  Ever been the "nice" girl that people "marry but don't date?"  You spend a lot of time learning how to deal with loneliness.  Apparently our girl in this article has never been left alone long enough to learn how to deal with it.  Also...  sometimes it's hard to feel sorry for the guys.  For every tragic dear John episode, how many "nice" girls did they walk by and ignore because they weren't flashy enough, or loose enough?  Nice girls are supposed to be happy to give up all jobs, careers and everything else once the guys decide it's time to settle down? Yes, that may be how it's always been....but now the girls are playing by the guys' rules.  No, it's not attractive.  Guys, let's be honest... you get what you court.

MR T's Haircut said...

He should delete her on Face Book.. that will get her curious...

DeltaBravo said...


MR T's Haircut said...

He is lucky..  this has EJECT written all over it.... she is generation ME and her ego told the truth.  She would have screwed him over and justified it as some kind of freaking entitlement.

sid said...


As we Boomers inflict mayhem...

Seems that many in the GGW (Girls Gone Wild) Generation, can be indentified by their penchant for being so narcissistic that they are in danger of turning into drama laden black holes.

I call them "Me-Me's"....

It will end with her being grieved by you one way or the other no matter what you do.

mkake sure her precious butt doesn't hit the door on the way out.

campbell said...

I come here each day; with expectations that I will find insightful, informative, often entertaining work.  Your own, and others on your front porch. 
But never, never, never am I so pleased and impressed, as when I read you extol the worthiness of your spouse.
It's always wonderful, and always read with great regard; for you both.   thankyou.
(PS:   be sure to tell her all those marvelous things you tell us!)

Steel City said...

I agree 100% with the "not too harsh" statement.  Better this honesty up front option than the I love you long time promise only to find out 3 months later that is no longer the case.  That's how the dash to the fantail events are likely to result.

Andy said...

You know, Sal, for a Shoe, you're pretty darn smart. ;)   The Long Suffering Mrs. Sal is indeed a paragon and I applaud her for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact we both share similar graduate degrees!  Plus she caught on to the same thing The Doctor did when she reluctantly, but loyally, dwent to Squadron Wives's (as it was back in the Paleolithic Period) functions: She was, at that time, aimed laser-like at her post-graduate training, and they were discussing the best curtain-rug color combinations.

Of course, pay-backs being what they are, the day after I had the honor of administering her the Oath of Office as an Army officer, she let me know she expected me to attend a similar spouse's function.  All I will say is that there was one other husband present and that no one told us we weren't actually supposed to eat the food laid on in such abundance.  Oh, and Mrs.-Bird-Colonel took her dress style from Mrs. Eisenhower. =-O

As to the young man in question, he's obviously never heard of the Laws laid on in the "Travis McGee" novels of yore, the most pertinent one is: "Never, ever sleep with anyone crazier than you are."  The woman displays herself as a narcissistic train-wreck.  Move on, son, she ain't worth it.

C-dore 14 said...

Just like everyone isn't cut out to be a member of the military, not everyone is cut out to be a military spouse.  This young woman clearly falls into that category.  I don't think I can add anything to the comments of Marina R of Riverhead following the NYT article.  I especially liked the one about " much much manufactured drama..."

It's good for both her and the young man involved that she realized this now.  As I read her article I kept thinking about a classmate of mine, a good midshipman who was planning to be a career Marine.  Our junior year he fell in love with a woman who immediately started molding him into her idea of a husband.  He converted to her faith, he started spending all his time with her and her friends, and he went to the Basic School alone so she could stay at home in California.  Ultimately he left the Marines at the earliest opportunity to make her happy.  Unfortunately, her demands continued and were never satisfied.  When I saw him again 12 years later he was a divorced civilian who, although financially successful, said he constantly regretted leaving the service.

Steel City said...


Almost all of the posts discussed the other girl...Jessica.  The first half of your article was a brilliant discussion on the sacrifices and contributions made by our spouses.  Your article should be an annual or as required reading on our own personal PQS charts.  Great timing too, just before V-Day.  Please toast Mrs. Sal from all of us.

cdrsalamander said...

... remember; I never confirm or deny my designator ... ;)

Old NaCl said...

Not a Shoe?

NAnonymous said...

Thank you for the great post; this is why I keep coming back. Regrettably, I had the experience of wasting 2 years and many dollars on a "me" girl who sounds quite like this Jessica person.  Luckily I was on shore duty and in API, not on deployment, while I had to deal with her shenanigans and selfishness.  I eventually realized that there was absolutely no way I could be an effective officer or pilot, let alone a happy person, with her in my life. Two years later, one of my best friends went through a similar situation and his experience seemed to be almost an exact reproduction of mine.

From what I have seen so far among my peers and subordinates, there are two types of spouses in this world:  dependent and independent.  Independent spouses have their own ambition and interests of some sort; it is this ambition or interests which helps to fill the void that is formed when their spouse is gone.  Obviously they still miss their spouse, love their spouse, and long for them to return home, but they have something else to think about and occupy their time while their servicemember is on deployment. 

Dependent spouses bring to mind the type of person who was always in a relationship while in their teens or twenties; they are not able to function by themselves and don't know how to be happy without someone to cling to.  For these people, their spouse or partner is their everything.  When their spouse leaves on deployment, they have nothing to call their own and cannot even attempt to fill the void that is formed.  These types of people can't handle stress or adversity by themselves; when something bad happens it invariably brings down the servicemember who should be focusing on keeping himself and his men combat ready.  My former fiancee was one of these people, and I am thankful every day that I saw the writing on the wall and got out while I still could.

We could only hope to be as lucky as you to find such a supportive wife and partner.

cdrsalamander said...

"... neither confirm or deny." Since '04 it as always been, "A warfare qualied officer .... "  Now, somewhere ~2006 I let it slip that I was NOT an 1120 (a man has a reputation dontchaknow). So, that narrows it down some; not that it really matters - right?

C-dore 14 said...

@Andy, I had to chuckle since your story took me back.  Back in the early '80s Mrs. C-dore started graduate school in preparation to join what was then a male-dominated profession.  Being a "supportive husband" I attended the first spouses' support group meeting when the conversation centered on the nearest grocery stores, child care services, and (as you point out) decorating tips.  The only other male there was a Marine LCOL who, like I, worked in the Pentagon.  One meeting was enough for both of us.

WCOG said...

I feel like the "this is your sign" moment comes when you find out your girlfriend is so self-obsessed that she's going to write a piece about breaking up with you in the New York Times and brag about how heartless she is, but how breaking up with you is actually a mercy to you, but more importantly to her because it will save her from having to deal with the loneliness in your soul. Whatever the hell that is.
Some people have no shame and no concern for their own (let alone anyone else's) privacy. It is a fault that I fear is pretty ubiquitous in my generation.

TheMightyQ said...

I've got to agree with DB on this one.   You get what you court.  This guy knows, or should know, what kind of woman he's getting into bed with. At some level, I actually have sympathy for this girl because, as stupid and shallow as she is, she will never understand or experience the depth of a lifelong committed relationship.  She will more than likely end up divorced after a marrying some chump and after a long string of unfulfilling relationships, where even if she ends up dating someone worthwhile again, she won't recognize it.  Because that's probably all she knows.  Growing up properly becomes more difficult without proper guidance.  As far as the guy, assuming he's a good guy and has his head on his shoulders, he'll probably end up with someone better, unless, as was earlier mentioned, he likes playing with fire.  As to why his pride would allow him to stay with this girl from now until he deploys, especially after the article was published, that question is beyond me.  I would tell him to sack up, dump her (publicly), and move on.

TheMightyQ said...


Methinks you've been around the block a time or two.  You have a wealth of wisdom.

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

10 points for the Caddyshack reference.

UltimaRatioRegis said...

"<span>Methinks you've been around the block a time or two."</span>

THAT kind of compliment to a lady will get a man killed.  =-O

ASWOJoe said...

My favorite line:

"My deepest, most irrational fear, probably stemming from my parents’ divorce, is that whenever a man truly gets to know me, he’ll leave." 

Well of course he will sweetheart, because he found out what a stupid little self absorbed twat you are. 

DeltaBravo said...

The intent of MightyQ's comment won't get him killed.  ;)   
Appreciate it.

Some lessons are learned the hard way.... others by watching everyone around you.  Carefully. 

UltimaRatioRegis said...

Sure, spoil my fun, DB!

DeltaBravo said...

ASWOJoe, you're funny... but if you really step back and look at that sentence from a distance.... there is a wealth of pain in her words... her pain and the pain she'll cause people her whole life.  She is someone who obviously never learned her value as a person from the man who should have been the first love of her life... her father.  He was supposed to teach her about life, love and people, and be the standard by which she measured all other men.  Instead, he taught her one thing... she wasn't worth staying around for.  Narcissism in a personality is formed from parental rejection and shaming and abandonment at a very early age.  There's a takeaway lesson in this story for every one of you fathers out there if you'll read between the lines. 

maggie Kimura said...

 She lives in a dream world if she can always work 8 hours, and have off every weekend. Good thing she's not in health-care. Nurses at my hospital work 12 hour shifts, and work every other weekend. And it is a holdiay and you're scheduled? Oh well- you work it. Disclaimer- i am a civilian but I honestly think this young woman should get a clue very fast before she finds herself on the unemployment line because of the expectation that she should only work 8 hours a day, and get weekends and holidays off. Thank you for your service all and for further deepening my appreciation for the military.

Actus Rhesus said...

having taken a moment to reflect, eaten some cookies and a nice glass of milk, and called home to the Mr. AR, I have paused, reflected, and decided that perhaps I was off base calling her a cunt.

She is not a cunt.

She is a self absorbed, vapid, insipid, community college art school turbo cunt.

Also? Not pretty.

The thing about all of this that rankles me the most, is that rather than do the mature thing and say "I can't do this" (as has been pointed out, not everyone is cut out for military relationships) She's keeping this guy and his nice garrison dress uniform on her elbow like some sort of knock off coach purse until his last day in country.  Rather than letting him move on and maybe find someone else who WILL care enough to stick around and be that rock, she's behaving like a goddamned parasite.  "I don't want the bother and burden while you're gone, but while you're here, I want the benefits"  

I want to choke her.  

And then I want to choke him for putting up with it.

Actus Rhesus said...

EDIT: Apparently she had a change of heart, they are still together, and he's defending her.

All my statements about her stand, for writing that drivel in the first place.  However, he's a fool. 

Best of luck to both of them.  If I stick around long enough I'll probably be reading 31b warnings to their children some day.

Kristen said...

I love it when you write about your wife.  A good marriage might just be the greatest blessing in life.  What a shame that this woman is unlikely to ever find that out.  I hope Jonathan moves on to someone who is capable of real love.  And I hope that the writer gets the help that she desperately needs.  As DB notes, she is a very damaged human being.

Kristen said...

Can you believe the stuff that people will put on Facebook for the whole world to see?  It's very cringe inducing.

Kristen said...

AR, I love the Dear Jessica letter.  Perfect!

Therapist1 said...

<span>Guest wrote:
"She would not recognize a good relationship if it whacked her over her head.  
Some people are too damaged for any good relationship to come out of it.  Run, do not walk, away from this one."</span>

The problem is she probably does recognize a good relationship she is just afraid of the commitment that comes with it.  These issues can come at any time in a relationship.  Whether the individual deploys overseas or has other issues that take them away, the threat of having to think of something greater than herself was too much to bear.  That is a shame and is a product of the immediate gratification generation.

Sean said...

What is this "Facebook" that I keep hearing about??!!??

LT B said...

Also not a 1310.  Phib talks DC stuff on ships.  Aviators figure out how to do the one man luge position when it is time to play DC stuff.

Sean said...

Very sad.

This is our profession.  We chose it, knowing full well the dangers and difficulties of it.

Unfortunately not everyone understands such a choice.

SCOTTtheBADGER said...

OK, Guiness?

SCOTTtheBADGER said...

Between last weeks post from the Midshipman, and the direction that this one could have gone, I think I shall give the 24 inch signal lamps on the wings of the porch a good cleaning, in case I have to start flashing U U U U U U U  at anyone approaching the porch.  I probaly should do that for poor Kristen as soon as she comes over the horizon. 

FbL said...

I wonder if he is the type who likes to "rescue."  It isn't uncommon, and it would explain a lot...

Skippy-san said...

"Also? Not pretty"

Nothing two beers can't fix. Besides-go ugly early. ;)

Byron said...

What this young lady has never learned is something a wise older lady told me when I was very young: you cannot have a loving relationship with someone if you are not willing to give all of yourself to them. You cannot have a loving relationship if you aren't willing to accept their imperfections as you would wish them to accept yours.

First wife didn't understand this and found something she wanted (or thought she did) more than me. As much as I tried to hold it together she divorced me, repeat, SHE divorced me. I never once gave up on our relationship. She pursued something else and over all those years has never found it. On the other hand I did...and next month will celebrate with my wife our 19th year of marraige.

Living well IS the best revenge, and oh Lord, did I get mine.

Boat School Grad said...

<span>As everyone points out, Miss Jessica's article says much about her.  BUT....what her article really speaks to is the mindset of her editors and her readership.  EVERY NYT "journalist" is first and foremost a lackey/toadie/sycophant to their editors and readers.  The write for their audience.  The shit Miss Jessica wrote is the shit her editors and readers WANT to read.  In 20 years she'll probably be running the New York Times.</span>
<span>Oh yeah....BITCH!</span>

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UltimaRatioRegis said...

The mindset of the NYT journalists and editors?  A picture is worth a thousand words.

Aubrey said...

One suggestion for Sal - write a FbF on your wife. Seriously.


At the time of my enlistment, my wife to be was 8 years old so she always understood that my service commitment had been around long before we met.  She has never been anything but supportive through multiple year long deployments leaving her and small children behind.  This scrunt will never understand anything than her own wants and needs.  The Guardsman in question would be well rid of her.

FOD said...

She summarizes her feelings very clearly in one line...

"I don’t want to be the one left behind."

Jessica, nobody does. But some do it anyway.  When you boil it all down there are only two types of Navy wives - those who are there when you come home and those who aren't.

If you had any exposure to the military, the Navy in particular, you would know that there is an occasion where grown men, seasoned Sailors, combat veterans, leaders entrusted with the well-being of others and important matters national security, will choke, tear up, and even cry in front of others like them.  That occasion is their retirement ceremony - right at the point when they look at that front row and talk about  their wives. The wives who waited.

I hope at some point in your life someone will love you with a force that can make him cry in front of others at the mention of your name.  But that type of love, respect and admiration is earned.  And only the women who deserve it will get it.

DeltaBravo said...

Dang!  Now I'm crying, FOD.

Kristen said...

FOD, that's beautifully expressed.

Kristen said...

You're such a sweetie, Scott. 

Kristen said...

Sean, I have this big, extended group of family and in-laws who are spread all over the country, so we do use Facebook to put up pictures of the kids and news and keep everyone current.  But I've seen some really eye-popping stuff posted and it makes me wonder if people realize that the internet is public, and it's forever. 

FOD said...

Powerful poem URR.  Decent translation. I may be a bit rusty, but the final lines in the original are different and (for me) best capture the discussion at hand..."Those who don't wait can't understand how, in the midst of fire, your waiting saved me. How I came through alive, only you and I would know - simply that you knew how to wait, like no one else would."  If you want it in the original Russian here's a copy:

Poetry day at Phibs! Awesome.

UltimaRatioRegis said...

I don't quite know the fidelity of the translation, either.  It was re-introduced to the west in the famous World at War series narrated so powerfully by Laurence Olivier. 

The end of that was different, and more touching.  I remember vividly as a child of about ten watching the episode.  It made my mother cry.  I found out that the first boy she had ever kissed had been killed on the beach at Anzio.  It was my first real awareness that war was more than cool movies on TV.

Dave Foster said... consciousness... :-D

DeltaBravo said...

FOD, thanks!  Yes, it's more than a decent translation, because it manages also to mimic the meter and rhyme scheme in the translated version as well as an almost word for word translation.  True talent there, whomsoever did it! 

Casey Tompkins said...

Kristen, it's great for that kind of stuff. One friend of mine (in his early 50s) re-connected with his kids last year thru Facebook. I've tracked down a couple of old school chums from back in the day myself. So that's nice.

Sad thing happened after I found one old HS pal. We emailed back & forth a bit, once we "friended" on Facebook; like old times. :) I then commented on one of her Wall posts about how stupid Sarah Palin was. Wasn't rude, or use bad language, or condescend; just said she might want to look at both sides. Right after that she "un-friended" me. :-E Alas.

Riffing off of something DB said downstream, I'm wondering if Jessica is subconciously bailing first on purpose. She gets to avoid the pain of getting "dear-john"-ed herself.

Casey Tompkins said...

AR, you do realize she's not standing in the middle in that photo, right? :-P

Casey Tompkins said...

Skippy, I bet you know Flip Wilson's old routine about marrying an ugly girl, don't you?

Wharf Rat said...

<span>Wharf Rat just celebrated number 20 with my wife, and she has only gotten more beautiful over time.  
She's tolerated and supported me for those 20 years, 15 at FedEx, where business travel at times got heavy.  Additionally, I've been to a number of commissionings, keel ceremonies, naming ceremonies, all over the country to support the active duty Navy, and she's wonderful for supporting me in those efforts.</span>

FOD said...

@DB yes, that's the huge challenge of translating poetry - the balancing between imagery, meter and rhyme. Not to mention intent.  I wasn't meaning to diminish the translator's efforts - just that the original closed with more power and meaning (to me).  I had never read that poem and was glad to learn of it.

Kristen said...

Casey, I keep up with high school and college friends too.  Only a couple are liberal, and we just don't discuss politics for the sake of the friendship.  But I've heard lots of stories just like yours where people were unfriended over really mild disagreements.  They ought to spend some time on the porch, where we usually manage to disagree pretty agreeably.  :)

Chick CDR said...

I don't even care to comment on this post, but rather on Sal's commentary...

Rock on, Mrs Sal! You sound like the unique, charismatic one or two non-knives-club wives that I've met through the years at various commands. Unfortunate that it only seems to be onesies and twosies, though...

Sal, your description of Mrs. Sal speaks volumes of your character. Many, many years ago after my first and eye-opening deployment, I asked my Marine hubby to honestly tell me, insider secrets, "no girls allowed" stuff, what to guys really think about guys who cheat/speak ill of their wives when away. He said guys don't really say anything to them but they file it away and know that that guy doesn't have your back if/when TSHTF. As a combat vet, he doesn't trust them at all. I took his advice onboard, as I usually do, and it's served me well. (And when I don't, I always hear myself saying, "I know, I know, you were right!")

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