Sunday, February 05, 2012

Sunday Funnies

"Send a letter to your gaining Command ..... "

Where is that advice written? I remember reading it once or twice - and it was something I never did; just not my style. My instincts were spot on with this - as a nice Fleet LT we had a new guy coming to our command - a guy with a "reputation." You know the type. He was loved by the people who wrote his FITREP, but despised by his peers. Sure, he was a smart and talented guy; but a cheesy, back-stabbing a55-smack if there ever was one. He would have done just fine on his own merits; but no - the knob had to go to 11.

I guess it worked out well for him though - his career did quite well on the bodies he stepped over. Thank goodness he was never in my competitive group. Eeeekkkk.

Back to the letter though. One of the great comeuppances to this guy was that he wrote the CO a letter prior to his arrival. Good googly moogly it was one of the most sychophantic, narcissistic, and bragging pieces of work you have ever seen. Good thing for the JOs though, we had a very good YN2 who slipped us a copy. The AOM prior to his arrival, one of the more senior LTs (who had a history with this guy from previous command), put this up on the overhead. No commentary - no reading aloud - just put it up there. You can figure out the rest.

So, this guy shows up and is introduced at the next AOM - and there is nothing but laughter. Zen meets karma.

But I digress.

In the remaining 15 yrs, I never saw a worse case self-inflicted damage via self-promotion, until now.

I first got this a couple of weeks ago, and frankly thought it was a spoof. Lucky for me - there were some good email addresses down the chain. I went back as far as I could and sent the JOs some emails asking them, "Really?" Response rate of 50%, not bad, and they all went, "Yep!"

So, without further commentary, here is slide one - you can click the rest. I did my best to hide her identity to the average person. If this LT has a close friend, prove it - talk to her. I have received this a half dozen times un-redacted ... she is about to be her own meme. My advice to her, "Don't do this again."

To the other young officers and prospective officers, let this be a lesson to you. Don't do this. Be humble, be quite. Let your performance speak for itself. Don't be like this.

BEHOLD.


slide 2. slide 3. slide 4. slide 5. slide 6. slide 7. slide 8. slide 9. slide 10. slide 11. slide 12. slide 13. slide 14. slide 15. slide 16.

257 comments:

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C-dore 14 said...

@sid, If you remember going to a Dead concert you weren't really there  8-)

C-dore 14 said...

The hero here is the CO that decided that 6 months as a DH was enough for her.

Casey Tompkins said...

Yep. Sure do, boss.

Whoops, almost forgot: raaaaaciiiiiist!!!!

I can hear the dog whistle from here... ;)

Casey Tompkins said...

It's been about eight years, but you didn't find that at Miami University last time I went there. Damn fine English Department, and since my special interest was techncial writing, I had a bit more experience with them than most students.

Old Nuke said...

That would be Captain Ande Bermann of the infamous USS Howard ...home of stellar Jacob's Ladder maintenance and the female only symposium.

<span>http://tinyurl.com/7hfyskk  and  </span><span>http://tinyurl.com/7hlg32a</span><span> </span>

ENZ, USN said...

I can only assume (dangerous I know, but in this case, I think it valid) that the same happens to the grind of the LT's as they stay in as DH's and then decide to not go for Command At Sea.  That Star should be every SWO's Dream, rather than a badge of paranoia on a CDR/CAPT's right breast.

DM05 said...

DB, this one is truly beyond the pale. One simply <span>doesn't</span> do this, and now she's "that guy/gal". You don't want to be there.

UltimaRatioRegis said...

I must admit, I missed the "Forward deployed in San Diego" line from slide 8.

That entire slide causes retina damage.  "Assistance Department Head". 

Back to being forward deployed in Vermont....  Actually, I believe I am closer to Russia than Camp Lejeune is.  So I am the tip of the spear here.

Chris G. said...

You can see China from your house!

(Or at least a Chinese buffet.)

UltimaRatioRegis said...

Now, C-dore, to be fair to sid, he never said he remembered going, only that he was there.  He could have gotten that from the arrest reports.... 8-)

C-dore 14 said...

@Old Nuke, Maybe and maybe not.  When did CDR Bermann assume command?  According to the slide, this officer was releived in Dec 2010.  On the other hand, Bermann had been the XO and it may have been an easy decision.

UltimaRatioRegis said...

I can see China, all right.  Also called the Dartmouth Mathematics Department. 

sid said...

I can neither confirm nor deny... O:-)  

Guest said...

Re slide 11:  Can anyone tell me what "Loyal and Committee" means?  "Loyal and Committed," perhaps?

WTH said...

Slow your roll.  Obviously that's a typo.  The bigger point is what Spade caught, the very short DH tour not followed by a 2nd tour.

cdrsalamander said...

You forgot Sexist and homophobe. More training required for you Casey.

SCOTTtheBADGER said...

I once stopped at the local truckstop, to dine at the buffet.  I parked next to a Deadhead bus.  When I came back from dining, the bus was gone, and my squad was sitting in a pool of urine.  Deadheads vex me. 

SCOTTtheBADGER said...

Miami is where PJ O'Rourke went to school.

Aubrey said...

Slide 11 - "Not afraid to be heard."

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

They're gonna have to rework the recruiting commercials again for this horror show, "In the Navy no one can hear you scream!"

SCOTTtheBADGER said...

Like children, it all depends on how they're cooked.

SCOTTtheBADGER said...

Since she was a "Divisor" officer, do USN ships have "Prime Number" officers, and officers in charge of other mathematical terms and function?

DISCOURAGED SWO LT (big surprise) said...

OK.. i cant resist anymore. I went through training with her in fort jackson for my GSA, her less than voluntary IA... A couple of my favorite quotes.. by day 2 the Seargaents were already keeping a quote book on her..
She points to the charging handle on a .50 cal (she was just fired as weapons officer on Howard, where she owned at least 5 of these) and asks, "so you just spin this here thing and it shoots?" as she makes a gattling gun motion...

She gets into an argument with the former MARSOC Master weapons instructor about whether or not the gun is loaded.. because "i heard the click the bullets must be in there, all guns when you hear the click, theres bullets" to which the Marsoc guy explains no, you did not get them in, she insists "but i heard the click, maybe you didnt hear it, theyre in there" he points at the ground, where the string of 5 training rounds are laying and just says, "NO theyre right here" and walks away shaking his head.

After being asked THREE Separate times to stop taking pictures of the Roll Over Humvee trainer, and each time pulling her camera back out to take my pics and video, she has to be pulled aside by a reserve O4 who gives it to her in private...

and my personal favorite still during the .50 cal Q&A (please keep in mind the humor lost since you cant type in a thick, barely understandable cajun accent) " So now you said this gun is automatic, and you just pull the trigger once and it keeps on firing, but i dont see no trigga, and if you only pull the trigga once, how does it keep on firing, all the other guns, you have to keep pulling it for the bullets to keep coming" YOU CANT MAKE THIS UP.

I am now on the same base in AFG with her, and that POWERPOINT is as real as real gets... even left her own SSN on it.

sid said...

<span>Know what you mean Scott...  
 
Hope the above doesn't tar me with the same brush...I just liked their music during the "Touch of Gray" years...  
 
But yeah...you wanna see a bunch of Stupid...Head to the gathering place of the Deadheads.  
 
Of course, nowadays you'll find a good many of them at the various Occupy sites.  
 
Back to the topic at hand...  
 
The culpable ones in this sad tale are those who have allowed this Lt. to get to where she is without doing something about it once and for all.</span>
<span></span>
<span>A  Failure of Leadership if there ever was one.</span>
<span></span>
<span>That this has spilled over the lifelines into this venue should be indication enough of how corrosive it is throughout the JO Navy.</span>

Casual Reader said...

This isn't funny.  The Navy is forcing out good, decent, hardworking individuals.  They cannot compete with the two protected classes, the "diversity" group and the politically connected, esoteric, non-combat/deployed admin types.  If you are aggressive, dedicated and competent, someone has a stiletto aiming as your back.    Of course our LT"s are discouraged.  They don't have a chance.

Guest said...

Experience taught me that the sea is unforgiving; it also taught me that the enemy is unforgiving and loves to exploit weaknesses.

The real world of a sea occupied by an enemy is ruthlessly Darwinian; the fantasy world that has become the PC US Military may be producing forces that will be selected out not long after first contact with the real world.

God help her shipmates when she is on watch.

I sure as hell would not want her watching my back.

Old Nuke said...

Don't you just about have to feel sorry for this poor Naval Officer? ..... or maybe not.

I particularly liked the full-length photo.  Almost a poster child for scoliosis.

Spade said...

<span>"She points to the charging handle on a .50 cal (she was just fired as weapons officer on Howard, where she owned at least 5 of these) and asks, "so you just spin this here thing and it shoots?" as she makes a gattling gun motion"</span>

Oh dear god.

UltimaRatioRegis said...

I am sure the Gunner's Mates were all suitably impressed with this one.

Old Navy said...

Perhaps "Should be Committed ?" :-D

LT Rusty said...

Interestingly, CDR Bermann is the one that signed off as the concurring regular reporting senior on the straight 5.0 / 1 of 19 FITREP.  I'd love to know how that worked out ...

YGTBSM said...

Well, there is no "I intend to submit a statement" box for the CDR to check with her signature. That 5.0 was written and signed by a full bird. Not much for the CDR to do but "smile and wave."

LT Rusty said...

Other question, since CDR Bermann is the Regular Reporting Senior, wouldn't that make this something in the line of a really long TAD?  A TAD so long, in fact, that it should have taken on the character of PCS orders?  If the LT in question was still carried on HOWARD's books, does that mean that HOWARD was short a DH for 10 months?

LT B said...

Sir,
   Of course it was rewarded.  She got a firewalled FITREP.

LT B said...

One of AR's favorite colleagues got a 5.0 eval.  No kidding.  That CO's eval was 4.8 or so.  I am not kidding. 

YGTBSM said...

LT Rusty-

I am not sure of your experience, past or present, in the SWO Navy. When someone gets "fired" there is still a long time for the matter to be adjudicated. During that time, an officer is still attached to their command, but sent TAD. For such an extended TAD, the CO of the TAD command will write the observed concurrent FITREP, while the parent command writes a "Not Observed." The CO of the parent command signs the concurrent FITREP but has no real input. A concurrent FITREP does not necessarily mean the officer did something bad, just that they are at another command for an extended period of time.

When a DH gets fired, PERS usually works with the command to get another body in there sooner, rather than later, but it all depends on where the incoming DHs are in the pipeline. Sometimes the billet gets gapped for several months with a 2nd tour divo filling in. In a case like this on a DDG, you would likely have the Combat Systems Officer, who had most recently been the WEPS do double duty as CSO/WEPS. Not saying that was the case, but a likely scenario if a new WEPS was not readily available.

LT Rusty said...

I was a SWO, but never got DFC'd or served with someone who got DFC'd, so ... I have only limited experience there.  Fortunately, I guess.  :)

The Usual Suspect said...

OMFG

Xenocles said...

It's obviously the head of the Assistance Department.

Xenocles said...

Bad as all the typos are, I once had a CO who claimed that it was not necessary for him to write and spell properly because he was an engineer.

Sean said...

"It is a sign of a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word" -- Mark Twain

USAF Mike said...

Not a pilot, but my understanding is that all students entering UPT (Undergraduate Pilot Training) are requested to write a bio about themselves so the staff knows some basics about them (since there are a fair amount of students in each class).  The document I was talking about is one of those bios.  So it's not exactly the same thing but the general focus is similar (Hey, this is me, I'm single/married/divorced with 0/1/2/3/whatever kids, I graduated from x university, looking forward to entering training, trying to get a fighter/bomber/heavy/helo slot, etc.)

And yeah, the one with the Academy kid requesting jets is pretty funny, but what's even more hilarious is the response by the bitter pissed off at the world Major...it was probably a little over the top given that the cadet was semi-directed to contact the guy by some instructor at the Academy and was respectful (if misguided) in his efforts, but that response was still funny as hell.

USAF Mike said...

Yup, that's the document I was referring to below.

mfb said...

They don't have to....enough people just get frustrated and get out.  Go SWO!

AnotherMid said...

As a soon to be SWO, this scares the shit out of me.

Hilarious, no doubt, but downright bothersome. Also the 82% out at 4 years stat I saw further down the porch here is all too telling. I have never seen that before, but it makes sense.

LT B said...

Watch the economy and the spending/manning of the Navy.  I am weird, I like going to sea, but do admit the SWOs have a tendency to beat themselves up.  Do the basics well, moboards, radar reading manipulation, chart reading and spacial awareness and you will realize it is not all that difficult.  R/T decoding, etc is important too.  I would recommend you focus on those basic skills before heading out and you will be WAY ahead of the curve.  It will be very easy and you can/need to focus on your COLREGS.  This is stuff that an academy mid should be shit hot on, but I find most are not.  Your chief and LPO will help learning the DIVO stuff.  Ask questions of them, listen to their answers and use your other JO's to try to learn what they had issues with, pet peeves of the skipper may help too.  A good JOPA that focuses on getting everybody qualified helps too.  If you can get all to work as a team to pop out the next qualified SWO (w/ the understanding that about one at a time gets through the system on a small boy) then you guys should qual quicker and it gets a LOT easier after that.  This is an outsider looking in that has a lot of at sea time in civilian and naval ships.  Basics done well mean a lot.  Know them going in and all you have to do is focus on ship specific stuff.  It is fun if you don't kick your own ass.

ridecontrol53 said...

How does she have a Masters in MechE if she can't speak English better than a middle school student? And what CO actually let her advance past Ensign? 

cheng said...

she was fired from Howard as soon as Bergmann took over

epicfail said...

This is real,  very real.  I was stationed with her on her last ship.  I dont have time for the stories but this PPT comes as no surprise.  The sad part is she is still in, and I blame it on our Senior Leadership.  Because she is a black female, she is for lack of better words "not-firable".  CO's are scared to DFC her.  So they do what they do and "fire her" with a 5.0 saying not my fucking problem anymore.   She did a 6 month DH tour people!, 6 months to long.  She was fired as soon as the new CO took over and sent to the school house.  GOD KNOWS WHAT THAT SCHOOLHOUSE CO was thinking except maybe if she gets killed in AFG her last FITREP will look good.  This happens all the time and its truly ashame for the rest of the community.

guest said...

And we wonder why.....


Senior Chief

Real Talk said...

<span>
<p>This is 100% real. I was stationed with her on HOWARD. To hear her come over the 1MC was ear piercing. She is without a doubt one of the nicest people you will meet. She genuinely cares about her people and the mission. However, as I am fond of saying, this is a standards based Navy, not a self-esteem based Navy. Some people simply aren't cut out for this line of work. If she were able to write and communicate better, perhaps she would do well at being an Human Resources or Admin Officer. I would not feel confidence in her ability to perform under pressure, lead Sailors into battle, or effectively fight the ship. I will say that I personally watched her carry her gearf off the ship on a Saturday in garbage bags. She was literally the last to know that she would be relieved. 
</p><p> 
</p><p>Also, to correct the record, it was CDR W. Scott Switzer who actually relieved her prior to CDR Bergmann taking command. 
</p></span>

-TOS- said...

I started a joke, which started the whole world crying,
but I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no.

I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing,
oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.

I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,
and I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that I'd said.

Til I finally died, which started the whole world living,
oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me.

I looked at the skies, running my hands over my eyes,
and I fell out of bed, hurting my head from things that I'd said.

'Til I finally died, which started the whole world living,
oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was one me.
<span><span><span>
</span></span></span>

Chick CDR said...

Y'all all be mean.

What...!?!! O c'mon...!

@Discouraged SWO LT: Dude. Stay the f away from her. Especially if you're on a base where the SHTF potential is high. Come home safely. Not preaching, but your SA needs to include who/what inside the wire is a threat. If she's a train wreck in the Nav, I can't even imagine her "liability probability" while playing Army with real guns 'n' sh**, but she will get you killed.

Thing is, she's not alone. I guarantee there's a whole frickin' zombie fleet of her out there, in varying degrees, waiting to lower the very last of our standards.

cdrsalamander said...

The Vogans are here?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxPeIiU2kx4

LT Rusty said...

Possibly even worse, Phib: sounds like something written by Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings.

Anonymous said...

I had to map these coordinates just for S&G's. Arizona and the Philippines. ha!

Anonymous said...

As a current Army officer having been to Afghanistan with Navy IAs working for me, I can say that she isn't representative of what I had. Also, given the fact that she had the time to make a 16 page power point presentation indicates that her command knows her capabilities and has given her commiserate responsibility, far away from harm.

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