Sunday, February 05, 2012

Sunday Funnies

"Send a letter to your gaining Command ..... "

Where is that advice written? I remember reading it once or twice - and it was something I never did; just not my style. My instincts were spot on with this - as a nice Fleet LT we had a new guy coming to our command - a guy with a "reputation." You know the type. He was loved by the people who wrote his FITREP, but despised by his peers. Sure, he was a smart and talented guy; but a cheesy, back-stabbing a55-smack if there ever was one. He would have done just fine on his own merits; but no - the knob had to go to 11.

I guess it worked out well for him though - his career did quite well on the bodies he stepped over. Thank goodness he was never in my competitive group. Eeeekkkk.

Back to the letter though. One of the great comeuppances to this guy was that he wrote the CO a letter prior to his arrival. Good googly moogly it was one of the most sychophantic, narcissistic, and bragging pieces of work you have ever seen. Good thing for the JOs though, we had a very good YN2 who slipped us a copy. The AOM prior to his arrival, one of the more senior LTs (who had a history with this guy from previous command), put this up on the overhead. No commentary - no reading aloud - just put it up there. You can figure out the rest.

So, this guy shows up and is introduced at the next AOM - and there is nothing but laughter. Zen meets karma.

But I digress.

In the remaining 15 yrs, I never saw a worse case self-inflicted damage via self-promotion, until now.

I first got this a couple of weeks ago, and frankly thought it was a spoof. Lucky for me - there were some good email addresses down the chain. I went back as far as I could and sent the JOs some emails asking them, "Really?" Response rate of 50%, not bad, and they all went, "Yep!"

So, without further commentary, here is slide one - you can click the rest. I did my best to hide her identity to the average person. If this LT has a close friend, prove it - talk to her. I have received this a half dozen times un-redacted ... she is about to be her own meme. My advice to her, "Don't do this again."

To the other young officers and prospective officers, let this be a lesson to you. Don't do this. Be humble, be quite. Let your performance speak for itself. Don't be like this.

BEHOLD.


slide 2. slide 3. slide 4. slide 5. slide 6. slide 7. slide 8. slide 9. slide 10. slide 11. slide 12. slide 13. slide 14. slide 15. slide 16.

256 comments:

1 – 200 of 256   Newer›   Newest»
Old Gator Sailor said...

<span>This is an example of what's being commissioned these days?  </span>

What's an "Assistance Department Head?"  Is that an assistant to the Assistant Department Head?
<span>  
Gawdalmighty!  She has a masters degree but makes elementary school mistakes in her writing?  
 
She'll undoubtedly make flag.  It's for sure no one who wants to avoid an EEO complaint will draft an accurate fitrep on her.</span>

CAPT JAP (RET -Deceased?) said...

My thoughts exactly. Old Gator Sailor.  I stopped counting the mistakes in her presentation after 4.  She abviously doesn't know how to use spell check or grammer check either.

Lastly, it also seems it is ALL ABOUT ME and not her shipmates.

mike said...

Absolutely love slide 8 ---  "Forward deployed to San Diego".

CAPT JAP (RET -Deceased?) said...

obviously not abviously, can I blame my spell checker too? :-[

CAPT JAP (RET -Deceased?) said...

One final thing. What the he** is slide 7 about? That one makes my head hurt and makes me glad I am retired. If one of my engineers did something like that I watch them very carefully not for the content so much as the fact they had the time and inclination to create such a slide.

Byron said...

This woman is a walking train wreck. Whoever approved her promotion should be drawn, quarterd shot and the carcass tossed to sharks. She is from the 9th Ward of New Orleans, most of whose inhabitants could be found on the roofs of their flooded homes after Katrina wondering why governent wasn't there to help her. What a freakin mess. You guys are so screwed it isn't funny.

And I thought the only thing a new officer reporting aboard had to give to her new command was her jacket? She felt she had to send out this bunch of bullshit? If I were her new CO she'd be in charge of toilet paper inventory and take her meals in her stateroom.

MR T's Haircut said...

LMAO!!

HAHA SUCKA!  I PITY THE FOOL who dont "finish what they stated" and "isnt afraid to be heard".. lol WHUT???

OMFG!  Too funny!

MR T's Haircut said...

We're screwed...

QSPN said...

What can you expect from her spelling when she graduated from a collage? Now if she had gone to college, it would be a different matter.

Perhaps when she's done reading the Bible "in it entirety", she'll go back and read it in its entirety as well.

And she may want to correct the dates on her third tour, MAY 2010 - DEC 010, before she burns this fiasco to a crisp, never to be seen again.

ExNFO said...

That was painful. Why would someone in their right mind do this?
All I can say is that you SWOs shouldn't play pranks on your JOs. Telling them that their CO really appreciates getting a narcissic ppt.  You guys slay me.

YNSN said...

Uh... Slide 7.  

I. Have. NO IDEA what is going on here, except that she is a Deadhead? Maybe?  

Kanani said...

Wow. Pride is one thing, but this just smacks of personal vanity. This reminds me of those ads that are regularly taken out and placed in the L.A. Times by developer Donald J. Sterling, where he bills himself (yearly) as "Humanitarian of the Year." I suppose at some point she'll try out for some reality show like "The Apprentice."

YNSN said...

Additionally, the only time we'd see letters coming from officers reporting aboard were from the MIDNs reporting from NROTC or the like.  

With that many spelling mistakes it's hard to believe that this was real.  Plus, that damn slide 7... I don't know. If I saw that, I'd probably not forward to my XO/CO.  But, I'd sure as hell share it with the deckplates, lol. 

Avi8tor said...

No fucking way that shit is real. Come on, sir! And if it is real, it's not laughable, it's sad. I feel remorse for her troops.

Old Farter said...

I can only imagine what would have happened to her had there been a proper SWOS class for her to go through.  BTW, they are bringing back a shortened version of SWOS, according to Navy Times, because the folks going through micro SWOS "after attainng their OOD qual and spending a year on their ship were deficient in basic shiphandling and navigation."   Kill me now.

DeltaBravo said...

Reminds me of a joke... "used to be I couldn't spell ENGINEER.  Now I are one!"

I'll give girlfriend this:  She can rock the Frostberry lipstick and the bling like a pro.  Not so sure about the Panthers.

Other than that, I've got nothing.  I'll offer to be her editrix, for a price.  A high price.  Seems like a full-time job.  She's in need of much editing.  Much.

MR T's Haircut said...

I just noticed she is a Phone LT..(LTJG)?

steeljawscribe said...

I'm following the last slide -- presumably prescriptive in nature..."Question"
w/r, SJS

WTH said...

Those are the right dates.

Actus Rhesus said...

observations:

1.  She uses myspace. There is no other explaination for that layout.
2.  How the fuck to you make it to LT without knowing basic subject verb agreement?
3. Slide 7...uh...whut?

Aside: I am one of the people that do send CO letters...but generally it's a one pager.  Hi, I've recceived my orders, I'm very excited to come to this billet.  I report on this date.  My sponsor LT (NAME HERE) has been wonderful blah blah blah.

Actus Rhesus said...

maybe I'm being too hard on her...maybe her "s" key is just broken. Maybe.

ASWOJoe said...

I don't even know where to begin.  Gonna crack open some Wild Turkey and maybe drop some LSD so slide 7 will make sense.  Come back for a reattack later. 

James said...

LOL this is what happens when you use facebook for promotions boards.

You know her Power Point shows must be awesome.

And seriously like YNSN said WTF.

DM05 said...

Beyond the spelling errors and self aggreandizement, there's "Me" time? How about sea time, downrange time, and profressional development of your Sailors time?

This one must be posted on a bulkead for all to admire as well. 

Actus Rhesus said...

ASWO...

stop trying to force choke her through your computer.

COOL HAND said...

Anyone else happen to notice that she did less than a year as WEPS?  I am guessing she wasn't detached early for a good reason?

Chap said...

I used to send mail to the new command.  Letters for the earliest tours but nowadays it's emails.  It has come in handy to provide contact data--particularly since I seem to be in a unique situation for most of my tours (joint, intragency, out of cycle and just got these detach-Friday-report-Monday orders).  However, what I seem to have learned is that I knew this communication was the first impression and therefore should be short, flawless, and of value to the reader.

Ah well. 

Who's mentoring this kid?  And I don't mean career easing, I mean skills building--who's thrown a copy of "Just Plain English" at the ensign and made her rewrite the dross?

MR T's Haircut said...

Don't be a hata.  Playa!

MR T's Haircut said...

Dude Slide 7 is her stationary print.  It is how she achieves "CHI" in her "Me time"

Old Nuke said...

Did anyone notice that her past two commands were the USS Howard (home of Capt Ande Bergmann) and USS Chung Hoon.

Aren't these the two commands who came together in the STRONG WOMAN symposium that was riduculed earlier on the porch?

I wonder if this wonderful presentation counts as 'career death by Powerpoint'?

CDR K said...

No doubt she'll soon find out about this post and pay a visit.  And then, probably for the first time ever, she's going to get the unvarnished truth about her education and professionalsim.  Tragic. 

What favor was done to her by passing her along through the education system?  Passing her along through the commissioning program?  Passing her along through the evaluations and promotions? 

What will she do when she finds out the joke's been on her all along?

YNSN said...

Didn't you see?  She was forward deployed to San Diego.  

Mark1Mod0Squid said...

Um, yea, well.....Really, I got nothin. Ok I do have this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_W_u4UTvk9w

MR T's Haircut said...

Facts are stubborn things...  

Sean said...

Slide #2 - looks like a wedding ring on her ring finger of her left hand.

Slide #4 - mentions that she is "single".  ???  Was the ring a mistake???  A prop?  Or is slide #4 the error?

My head hurts just reading this self-aggrandizing tripe...this is awful.  i second the question of how someone with a post-graduate degree in Engineering still does not know how subject-verb agreement is supposed to work?

Good grief.

Epic Fail.

MR T's Haircut said...

I gotta go clean my AR15 to get the stupid outta my head...

Sean said...

Just because you CAN put together an "I love me" power point presentation does not meand that you SHOULD....(and if you do, at least make it better than this one).

Casey Tompkins said...

Hey! You gotta admire someone who cites the long-term goal of "retiring from the military!"

Trust me, honey, that one is for sure.

goatmaster89 said...

I was going to write about how useful the classic "letter to a new CO" was and how I am sad that all they teach MIDNs these days is to send email to their next command.   Now I need a beer.

I hope someone provides some effective leadership to this officer.  She may have a lot of potential, but she needs a big ol' chunk of self-awareness. 

Joke said...

When this hit my inbox, I spent at least 2-3 hours doing some research (I had the non redacted version).  She definitely exists.   Her thesis from NPS is online, and it's not nearly as bad as this power point would indicate.  Sadly, I think this was somebody's great idea of a joke, and not necessarily a real presentation.

The Usual Suspect said...

Now that you mention it, grammar not grammer. :-D

Marine6 said...

Yet another sterling example for the diversity bubbas to point to. It's a kinder, gentler Navy, and we are working round the clock to further our number one priority!

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

Joke,
you are incorrect.  The thesis is God Awful.  The misspelled words and sentence fragments alone are enough to give you cerebral whiplash.  What thesis did you read?

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

We had an office pool going about when this was going to show up on Salamander's porch.  I said before monday.  Looks like I won.

Chris G. said...

3 points...
First, like AR, I used to write letters, too. Same style: "I'm thrilled to death to be assigned to ***; I came from ***; I like to do ***". I thought of it as an elevator speech so the CO wouldn't feel uncomfortable ("where are you from?") and maybe an icebreaker (oh, I see you like trail running...me too; blah blah blah").

Second, she's got a 3.51 undergrad in Mech E. I sure hope she earned it, and just reinforces the steroetype of illiterate engineers. I wonder if she passed the EIT...if not, it really says something bad about the school she attended.

Third, I was always a little skeptical of NPS degrees. I never went, so I don't know, but this seems like evidence that any bozo can roll right thru. NPS grads, is this the case? I thought they had special degrees there for idiots, like Ops Analysis and such. Not Aero Naval Mech E.

And last, just so I'm clear, did she actually e-mail this to a command as an intro? If yes, monumentally hideous judgement.

Brendan Doran said...

Can't see slides - work blocking.  I get the point I think.

Subject-Verb agreement....writing skills....the Army was big on sech things bak in da 90's, wit manyee a memo (WDaF we nuhd memos to do our jobs is a question in itself) coming back with red ink all over it but that seems to have dropped the last decade, I can't imagine why.  Best PLT LDR I ever had use to give us mission type pictograms, often on google map extracts, or even by just drawing the pic on the back of a HUMMV.   He's one of the new breed - tested and proved during the awful oughts.  We love the ones that proved out over the last decade BTW, I am reliably informed the USMC feels the same. 

Subject/Verb agreement....Masters Degrees...Post-Graduate education, etc.  Good luck.  Perhaps when the rusted hulks of the Bankrupt [wait] Pax Americana do battle with the rusted post USSR Russian Navy over Artic resources, your superior writing skills will avail ye.

The Usual Suspect said...

Divisor Officer...was she in charge of numerators or denominators?

Actus Rhesus said...

not asking for superior writing skills.  Asking for basic command of the English language and the professionalism to proofread something you send to your commanding officer.

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

Mr. T's Haircut, why aren't we getting a "PAIN!" from you?!

The Usual Suspect said...

"You never get a second chance to make a first impression."  How utterly true and so sad in this case.  I find it indefensible that anybody would be passed along in the educational system - such as it is - with such poorly developed writing skills.  What makes this doubly horrible is to think that she proofread the presentation or had one of her peers review this presentation and it still shows up with errors at or near junior high level.  Plenty of shame to go around.

maogwai cat said...

I looked hard for the Rolex. 

Whiskey_Joe said...

I was really, really hoping this was a joke.  Nope.  Wrong.
Then, I was really, really hoping this individual was NOT an engineer.  Nope.  Wrong.
I'm an engineer.  Believe it or not, we're not all illiterate and actually understand the basic concepts of subject/verb agreement and appropriate use of the letter "s"...

It is to weep.

cdrsalamander said...

How could it not? It would have been earlier but - even though the many people who sent it to me were well known to me - I just had to do a little extra research to see.  I just could not believe .... 

QSPN said...

Unless you think that 010 is a year, you better get your eyes checked. Proper editing involves close reading of the material, not just skimming over it.

UltimaRatioRegis said...

One can boil all sixteen slides down to a single word. 

"Collage". 

If that don't pin the tail on the donkey. 

But she needn't worry.  Anyone who ribs her about it is a racist/sexist pig whose career is instantly at an end.

xbradtc said...

I'm thinking the Navy needs to lower the select rate from O-1 to O-2. And especially from O-2 to O-3. 

LazyChop said...

Haha, there is no f'in way this is real.

LazyChop said...

Doesn't PPT have a built-in spell-check anyway? WTF!

cheapirish said...

Which is the FITREP block for 'high fashion'?

cdrsalamander said...

I wish .... if not, the JOs who created it need to leave the Navy and go into CIA PSYOPS ASAP.

FCC(SW) said...

Yes, it does.  But even spell check wouldn't save one from "read the bible in it entity" or "divisor officer."

FCC(SW) said...

Suicide by Powerpoint!

Steel City said...

Incredible self-promotion.  She'll have quite a reputation to live up to...all self-inflicted.  Way more tacky than my favorite...the officer that adds rank(sel) to their title 30 seconds after the ALNAV message is released.  One of these wingnuts introduced himself to a large audience of mostly JO's as CAPT(sel), with the associated self-promotional tone.  My favorite Navy boss, senior to the officer in question, replied to an audience, "what is the proper Navy term for CAPT(sel)".  The audience somewhat mystified at having their naval knowledge questioned could not figure out the answer.  After a long, almost painful silence the senior officer answered, "Commander".  After about 3 seconds of silence most ofthe audience figured it out and had a great laugh.  Later that afternoon the CAPT(sel) changed his e-mail signature back to Commander.

LazyChop said...

Fitting, then, that her degree is in "astronautcial naval mechanical engineering" because she's a space cadet.

I can't believe this fellow-O, a peer no less, can produce such a high quality virtual resume and not include more blingee! I saw better stuff on Geocities in the '90s!

Attached is a representative slide from my personal PPT.

LazyChop said...

Not even that squiggly blue line, where it knows something is wrong, but just can't put its finger on it?

Navy Grade 36 Bureaucrat said...

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.....
From someone who obtained a real engineering degree....that's funny.

LazyChop said...

I think it means Assistant <span>to</span> the Department Head.

xformed said...

Slide 10:  NCM for developing the training for ATG training?  Damn, I'm sure I had that completed in 1993, when I detached from CSTG/ATGLANT, having had the bad luck to be the weenie picked to figure out the Phase I TSTA stuff, and also personally running the first CART I on DDG-51.  Maybe I'm old school, but my LT (now retired CAPT Russ W) and several smart, hard charging MCPOs and SCPOs, with some CPOs tossed in, got all that jazz up and running.  Did someone let it crash after we did that?  I know I did plenty of breifs (using PowerPoint) all around the CNSL offices to get things rolling after the "merge" of the CSMTT and the FTG/FTU bubbas....in the Billy "I didn't have sex with that woman" Clinton force reductions...

Oh, well, I guess the young officer needed a ribbon to make them feel all warm and fuzzy...

Navy Grade 36 Bureaucrat said...

I didn't know you could graduate from a "collage." Must be an art-history thing.

So, how can "retire from military" be a long term goal? Really?

I'm doing my electrical engineering degree via distance learning from NPS. I can't see how she'd hack it if she can't survive as a department head for more than 6 months.

I can't believe anyone would do this except as a joke. I wrote a letter to my first command, and it was really basic: who I was, where I was from, and that I was excited to come onboard and work hard. I can't imagine a 16 slide powerpoint. Who the heck told her that was the right thing to do?

xformed said...

Dead on target URR.  Count on someone being charged with Hate crimes if they dare to plug in the USB drive and have this on auto-run in her presense...or the presense of others who think it's all about them, and not the unprofessionalism of a human...gender nothwithstanding...

LazyChop said...

I really want to read this thesis. Is there any way to post a redacted copy?

cdrsalamander said...

Only if AOD takes the time to redact it and email it to me - then I'll think about it.

Old Gator Sailor said...

Perhaps it was, as a friend said to me, a shot across her new command's bow making it clear that anyone who slows her down will face consequences.  Not too subtle, however. 

After this thing goes viral, do you think she'll even be allowed to show up at her new command?

LT Rusty said...

A lot more of our communications in the Navy take the form of straight text than in the Army.  Your platoon leader can smack someone on the back of the head, point, and say GO THERE NOW.  

Doesn't work that way in the Navy.  You send messages, and most of those are written messages.  Precision in writing is very important when you do things this way.  There's a big difference between ordering someone to rendezvous at 33 32' 40"N 110 22' 20" W as compared to 333 2' 40"N 110 22' 20"W.

If I can't trust that you write well enough to (a) know the difference and (b) communicate this to someone else ...

LT Rusty said...

Poor bastard's head went kaboom already.

MR T's Haircut said...

Where do you thnink she got the 1650 Write up from.. your old desk?

MR T's Haircut said...

Because, somethings I can fix, and somethings I can't.. to try to fix this would be like pissing on a forest fire...

CDR K said...

I found the thesis -- took all of 15 seconds.  College is spelled "collage" on the title page; points for consistency.  The Acknowledgement section speaks volumes between the lines.  As for the body of the work, I'll defer to the better judgement of the engineers as to whether this is master's level research.

LT Rusty said...

I had an XO once, I swear this is him in drag.  Only thing that makes me question it is that this young woman's grammar is better, and she might actually be taller.  But yeah, seriously.  The dude used to have to sound out words one syllable at a time, pointing with his pencil.

Back in the SWOS career path brief about June 1999, they told us that there'd bet 82% attrition at about the 4 year mark.  I guess that's how this slips through ...

Old Navy said...

The 'New Navy'?

kmadams85 said...

Please don't use the AR15 to get the stupid out.  It tends to clean out more than just the stupid.

LazyChop said...

Ohh, yea - I can't believe it, but "collage" resulted with Google return #1.

Amazing.

Reading the thesis now. A lot of talk about ship-to-shore connectors, but not even a mention of INLS for JLOTS? Overall, I get an impression that this seems more suited for a SUPPO than an EDO. An AAR on FB'10 was more detailed than this. This is engineering work? Damn. I shoulda be an eng.

LT Rusty said...

how are you searching?  I've tried various combinations of NPS, collage, thesis, etc.  I keep getting a bunch of unrelated papers.

John said...

I am sure this officer is probably a nice person, means well, and truly believes her own praise, as it probably echoes that which has been lavished on her for years.  Lavished by either folks too intimidated by the Diversity bullies to see and speak the truth, or folks unwilling to speak the truth.

This is the poster child for the "New! Politically Correct!  More Equal Opportunity! Navy." 

Perhaps she will do a decent job in some of her billets, with some street smarts and hard work making up for the glaring shortcomings in education, but I fear she is in over her head.

She really does need someone to get her squared away with what is appropriate, and what is obnoxious BS in a professional organization.    Or, at least I used to think that the Navy was a professional organization with some reasonably high standards.  Even if not all engineers are good writers, this is about what I would epect to see on evals drafted by a PO2.

Good  luck, Lt.[jg?] Redacted.

And, good luck U.S. Navy if this is what we are accepting and promoting as officers these days.  We are in worse trouble than I realized.

LazyChop said...

Um.. don't know how much I can share without Sal getting upset. Just keep using those terms + the first word of the title as shown on one of the slides.

ASWOJoe said...

God if only.  Vader really was just presaging the era of death by powerpoint GO/FO VTC's.  "You have disappointed me for the last time Admiral."

ASWOJoe said...

Ok, so I've seen the all up round on this.  Slide 7 actually tries to f*ck your eye socket.   Last I checked "Unlimited Potential" in block 41 was a quiet way for the boss to shoot you in the head.  But, you probably can't be an idiot and get a 3.5 from NPS in something other than NSA.  Probably.  She needs to go stand in the MER before Lord Diesel and surrender her SWO pin and any EOOW quals she holds for inflicting this abomination on the rest of the fleet.  It shall be posted for all as an example of what not to ever do, that others may learn from the smoldering corpse of her reputation.  Years from now, when the world is nought but ash and cinders, wizend old men will be asked by children "Was there ever a slideshow here?"  And they will answer, "No, only the remenants of hubris."

cdrsalamander said...

That should do; if not LT R needs to go back to innerwebs school.

Lurker said...

I was wondering when this gem was going to hit prime time!

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

"Send a letter to your gaining command...."

Naval Officers Guide

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

already went viral through e mail......went around the world.  A few times.

07Number95 said...

Favorite part

Strength:

High Fasion

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

all of us had the same reaction, until someone in my office vouched as having served with her.

Old Soldier said...

Is it just possible that this is just a little <span>too</span> good?  Something concocted by Lt. Redacted's ex-husband (boyfriend, pool maintenance guy)?  Who probably does work for <span>CIA PSYOPS?  Enter the diversity bullies, stage left ("Ride of the Valkyries" playing in the background).</span>

It would at least give us the sight of the diversity folks in white hats, right?  Sal, you can sell tickets - I want the popcorn concession for that one.

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

I don't understand how USMC ship to shore movement can be construed as "nebulous."  Maybe it is only "nebulous" to her because she never bothered to read the cognizant USN - USMC instructions, never understood PERMA, never understood the five fingers of lift, and never read an OPTASK AMPHIB.

Old Farter said...

Showed this to my wife. Her comment, "All it needs is sound."

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

when you get the good counselor cussin', you know you done gone done yourself bad.

Adversus Omnes Dissident said...

Maybe before becoming a "finance reform officer" she was a "grammar reform officer."  that might explain things.

LazyChop said...

"MPSRON" what now?

The Usual Suspect said...

The more that I read and research, the more that this disturbs me.  Somebody that has also read the "thesis", please correct me if I am wrong.  What I read was a logisitics or operations management "thesis" and not an Astronautical Naval Mechanical Engineering thesis.  The only thing Astronautical about the thesis is that it is other-worldy that it was accepted and passed review.

steeljawscribe said...

Where the hell was the thesis advisor?  When I went to NPS they (and the department typist) were hell on wheels for grammar and spelling....but that was another century :(
w/r, SJS

steeljawscribe said...

...but even hat has local, albeit temprary effects...

steeljawscribe said...

Destined for the OPNAV staff

Grandpa Bluewater said...

This officer (shudder) needs a mentor.  Bad.  A black female LCDR SWO with over 65% of time in service on sea duty and really deployed; an honors EE or ME fleet input out of NROTC Unameit Tech; whose father was a MCPO, then a Warrant, then an LDO, and whose mother was a surgical nurse for a heart surgeon; married to an FAA Air Traffic Controller, with two little girls on the Honor Roll at a Catholic School.

In other words... Close observation and followup by a Sea Daddy (ahem, err) Mama, who is a no slack, no compromise, detail oriented hard nose with full diversity mafia immunity, who learned responsibility before she could drink from a standard cup. 

That - and writing out "Dress for Success" in long hand, three times, are the only things that will save her.

Unless the diameter of a young woman's hoop earrings really are inversely related to her IQ, and not just some old mens' prejudice.

The later you learn, the harder the school. This lady is closer to midnight than the Journal of the Atomic Scientists in 1962.

Grandpa Bluewater said...

And who didn't see that coming?

Grandpa Bluewater said...

As Liaison to the CHNAVPERS ARFCOS Custodian Career Path Desk?

Rotorhead said...

There is NO WAY this is real. Please tell me this is an early April Fool's joke. 

Are you telling me that a graduate of NPS (in engineering) would (a) do this sh!t (b) have so many glaring errors in context, spelling and intent and (c) WHAT THE HE(( IS SLIDE 7???

SLIDE 7????

I don't want to live in this Navy anymore.
-RH

Actus Rhesus said...

it goes with military bearing.  or eeo commitment.  fuck I can't remember.

Mary Alpha said...

"High Fashion"? "ME Time"? PLEASE!!!

Actus Rhesus said...

nah, that's not an accomplishment.  I drop f bombs like they're candy.

On an aside, I did ask my last chief, after her mid term counseling how I was doing and if she had any feed back for me.  Her comment was "you don't cuss as much as the last JAG".  That frightened me.

The Usual Suspect said...

<span>Old Farter & Grandpa Bluewater,  
Did anybody watch or attend the JO panel in San Diego?  There was a LCDR on the panel that admitted that he did not know how to navigate without GPS and he was in command taking a MCM to Bahrain-11 years in the Navy as a SWO.  As in all the way across the Pacific!  Doesn't really instill confidence in the current selection process.
</span>

NAnonymous said...

You make it to LT by having a pulse and not getting a DUI.

cdrsalamander said...

... as if it looks like I ever read something with that title .... ;)

cdrsalamander said...

Yes, but funny ... I'm the bad guy for being the one who posted the only REDACTED version.

Oh, and for the usual haters out there - this could have been a guy named Sven Petersen from Carrott Top, North Dakota and I would have put this up.

Really though - is this where we are? One has to say such things?

Chris G. said...

Who wants the over-under on when NPS takes the thesis down?

Monday at noon? 1pm?

I'll take 1045, Monterey time, *under*.

Any action?

Stu said...

I always thought <span>Idiocracy</span> was prophetic, I just didn't think it was going to be so soon.

07Number95 said...

Rotorhead,

Unfortunately it is all true. I am in Afghan on a GSA and my friend went to Fort Jackson in SC for pre-deployment IA training with her. Also, had a friend on the Howard with her. She failed out of DH school. Was TAD in Newport for 3 months until her DH class graduated, with her in it. She was a "quota" graduate.  She was quickly fired off the Howard and went back to her previous shore tour at ATG in San Diego, where she was promptly IA'ed. It's all true. So sad, but true.

LT Rusty said...

<span>Jesus, that took long enough to find.  You had me worried that I was going to dip below a power level of 9000, Phib.  </span>
<span> </span>
<span>It's all about finding the right search engine, in the end.</span>

But seriously, how is this a paper about ANME?  This looks at first glace to be a logistics paper.  I can generally tell the difference between logistics and engineering ...

Chris G. said...

I just read the thesis. (Helpful to include "site: nps.edu" in the search.) I have a PE, and am a practicing engineer.

It is clearly *not* a graduate-level Mech E thesis. It's *possibly* an Industrial Engineering thesis, but that's a maybe. It's most likely an Operations Analysis thesis.

I used to think an NPS degree might be something to be proud of. After reading this crap, it's about as good as a U. of Phoenix degree.  I'm a little worried this is the kind of thing that might cost PG School their accreditation.

Chris G. said...

Dude, she did include 2, maybe 3 equations!

What more do you want?

Stu said...

Yet apparently, it looks as if some clown firewalled her FITREP scores.

USAF Mike said...

I've got the AF equivalent of this sitting in my email at work...I'll shoot it to the CDR tomorrow morning.  It's not as good from a "jesus christ this layout is worse than a MySpace page" standpoint, but it's still got some pretty good howlers in it.

Kevin said...

I think the panthers (jaguars) are the mascot of Southern University and A&M Collage. 

twinkie said...

The thesis is also on DTIC, so it might last a bit longer than if it were just at NPS.

simulationist said...

I didn't do the OPS analysis degree at NPS, but took some of the courses, While you have to be a slacker to fail outright, no idiot would do well.  NPS is really what you make it, I went there to learn as much as I could, the opportunity is certainly there.  I was at NPS 2007 to 2009 but I don't recognize her at all.  I was Comp Sci dept (MOVES) so maybe that's why, didn't see too much of the engineering folks.  Funny, I couldn't find that degree in NPS' catalog.  In a helo squadron this would fuel laughs for many a day, but no aviator would be that silly...   ;)

ENZ, USN said...

It's cause the CO's are to afraid to let the JO's actually drive the ships.  So we never get the opportunity to take the car out onto the highway and spin the wheels.

guest said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one to look at slide 7 and be like "WTF?" I thought at first my computer was on the fritz, and went back and reloaded that one several times until I finally admitted to myself that my eyes weren't deceiving me...

Alo said...

Saved myself a copy.  The Interwebz nevah forget.

ENZ, USN said...

It is because of LT's like this that junior ENS and JG's either lat transfer to anywhere else in the Navy or get out.

sid said...

Jaguars...

She has licking Black Panthers up

Best I can tell is that slide 7 is telling us she is a lipstick wearing Deadhead, who is into Egyptology, and a member of the Black Panthers.

Diverse!

Alo said...

This, I've got to see.

07Number95 said...

Other LTs, too.

Sam Tarantole said...

Someone at command level is writing her fitreps and passing her off to someone else. So, "If you can't say anything good about ...(check the box.. woman, black, underperforming NPS grad) then don't say anything!"

LazyChop said...

No, no. It's Block 39: Tactical Performance.

Remember, "If you can't beat 'em, fashionista them!"

LT B said...

We just lost a sailor who did that.  Cleaning the stupid out with a firearm leaves a messy splatter. 

LT B said...

<span>Doh!  I need to talk to a couple EDOs I know.  Both are really sharp PhD critters, and may have run across her.  I saw the unredacted version and did not do the research on her because, well, I don' t know, maybe I just have to shake my head and say the Navy gets what the Navy wants.  If this is what they want, then they got her.  I have seen some sharp sailors out of NPS and some not so sharp.  I would hope that she is not indicative of the student body. </span>

LT B said...

Who doesn't like puppies!

LT B said...

WTF do you think TFU is all about?!  Can't do basic sailor $h!t?  Who cares?!  You can rock the Combat Smurfs! 

LT B said...

Chris,
   One of our colleagues went to NPS studying Mech E.  His thesis, when we talked about it sounded reasonable and solid.  I know some that have NPS degrees that are a bit sketchy and some that are quite solid.  I didn't go there either, and have always looked at it with some skepticism.  The first thing you ask, as w/ civilian grad schools is "who is the professor?"  You know if they are a player in the field of expertise.  I assume NPS is the same way.  That said, it is damned difficult to fail out of there.  Hell, I know someone that damned near failed her PhD work there, and they still pushed her through.  The devil's in the details and the professor's matriculated body of work needs to be examined as a whole.  Not all should be painted with this brush, but the institution should guard their reputation.  The civilian PhDs do not view the NPS PhDs as equals.  My buddy who had a PhD from one of a top school in material strength chemistry always had to fight that battle as he was a PhD LT and it was assumed he was an NPS grad.  It is okay to fail those that do not deserve to pass. 

Old Gator Sailor said...

Sadly, this is just a small illustration of the parallel universe we're entering as factors other than merit and real accomplishment become the determinants for advancement.

NVLJWZ said...

<span>Thats the exact reason I am getting out...I refuse to allow soemone like this to be my XO...and I think the fact she is still in the Navy is proof that is a real feasibility</span>

FDNF'er said...

You have got to be kidding me!!!  If someone tried this in our wardroom, he/she would be laughed out of here.

Salty Gator said...

I'm all about pointing out where this officer failed, but calling her a "girl" and "ebonics baby" I think crosses the line.  She is actually from the bayou.  Party foul.

Salty Gator said...

The air force student who was requesting jets?  that one is classic.

Salty Gator said...

HEY!  Maybe the N1 staff.....

Salty Gator said...

It was required reading in NROTC.....at least when I went through.  But then again we had electricity to read by, unlike when some of you went through!

UltimaRatioRegis said...

Well, it is a matter of perspective, Salty.

She is a girl, relatively.  Grad in 2002?  I already was growing ear hair by then.  Sid's even older than I am.

And her command of the English language is horrendous.  Which she proved to her CO with this fab power point. 

Both labels fit.  Don't wanna be thought of as an ebonics speaker?  Then talk good English.  .

Salty Gator said...

the difference between engineering and logistics is apparently whoever is writing it, not the subject matter.

Doesn't even qualify as "industrial engineering."

Spade said...

I think there's a disconnect here. QSPN is noting that she forgot the 2, WTH is pointing out that she only spent a from May to December of the same year aboard. Which I suppose isn't that long.

Spade said...

If you've either been through collage (lol) or been in collage (giggle) level education recently then the grammar/spelling issues are not really that shocking.

cdrsalamander said...

Like I said. "Required?" Harumph.

QMC(SS) said...

And note that that was her "Dept. Head" tour.

Kristen said...

What a trainwreck.  I hope that all of the people who signed off on her and passed her along throughout her career are dying inside right now.

Kristen said...

'Zactly.

Old Navy said...

Ah... a perfect addition to the Global Force for Good....

LT B said...

That and Strunk and White.  :)

Kevin said...

She can't even do the abstract (Block 13, Page i) correctly.  She used 236 words, when it clearly states that 200 is the maximum allowed.

xformed said...

Music track from Terminator, Top Gun or Rocky, or Joyful Noise?

xformed said...

Cue the bus driver jokes....

SouthernAP said...

Someone just earned their Power Point Ranger Tab and probably 1000 hours in PPT patch as well!

jeopardy said...

I terribly confused as to how someone like this can get straight 5s on a  FITREP?  I'm just a lowly Reserve LT , so maybe I'm missing something here.  Not to toot my own horn, but I've been consistently ranked highest in my peer group, with somewhere around a 3.7.  I am honestly truly confused by this.  I MUST be missing something.

sid said...

Those who have been carrying this unfortunate lass throughout her career should be ashamed...

I am sure she is a bright and talented soul who has overcome much to get to where she is.

Once she is cast adrift from the navy, and the protective bubble she has lived in since "collage" is burst, then the favors done for her so far will be nothing other than lead weights around her ankles....

Like I said. You should be ashamed.

LT Rusty said...

When 82% get out at the 4 year mark, this is what you're left with. 

LT Rusty said...

I got some confirmation SEPCOR too, from someone that knew her in SD.  Apparently this is already just legendary.

Retired JAG said...

Wow....A lot more sad than funny.  Sad for her and for the conditions that would have led her down this road, and so sad about those who have led (and that is so obviously has happened) her down this road.  This is what happens when merit loses importance and is replaced by other "values."  Very very scary.  I would call Slide 7 the halftime slide.  Nice that she is a fan of the Grateful Dead.  Reminds me of a guy I worked with on active duty who had a picture of himself in his office--Hand under chin, looking wistfully off into midair.  We JO's used to routinely take it out of his office and hang it in the quarterdeck.  CO and XO used to laugh hysterically at that.

Retired JAG said...

Wow....A lot more sad than funny.  Sad for her and for the conditions that would have led her down this road, and so sad about those who have led (and that is so obviously has happened) her down this road.  This is what happens when merit loses importance and is replaced by other "values."  Very very scary.  I would call Slide 7 the halftime slide.  Nice that she is a fan of the Grateful Dead.  Reminds me of a guy I worked with on active duty who had a picture of himself in his office--Hand under chin, looking wistfully off into midair.  We JO's used to routinely take it out of his office and hang it in the quarterdeck.  CO and XO used to laugh hysterically at that.

cdrsalamander said...

B.I.D.,

Yes, I deleted your comment. I told you that you needed to change your commenting "name." I have not banned you by IP. 

I don't ask much from my commenters ... but ... change your commenting "name."

BT



NNNN

Stu said...

Dollars to donuts that she has no idea who the Grateful Dead are.   

LazyChop said...

I wonder what the reporting senior's average is. A 5.0 on any block is superstar performance, with the test being that you could promote that individual two paygrades and they would still perform above expectations. I can't read that FITREP too well off that slide to see any real detail, but the writeup seemed to focus on a single task...

I've heard of all-5.0 FITREPs before, but only very rarely. Also, the folks I know that got all 5's actually were amazing folks.

C-dore 14 said...

Rather than beat up on this officer let me say that I'd bet she's doing it because this type of behavior has been rewarded in the past.  Too bad none of the leadership at her previous command took a minute to warn her of the potential consequences of tooting your own horn too loudly or of lacking the "situational awareness" to realize that your future CO would know that we don't "forward deploy" ships to San Diego.  

Had I received this while in command one of my first comments would have been "Hey, XO, have you seen this?"

Stu said...

I agree. That's the biggest travesty.  This can't be the first time that she has been a bonehead even going back to NROTC.  

cdrsalamander said...

Exactly. There are lessons here all over the place.

Actus Rhesus said...

I'm getting out because someone like this WAS my dept head.

Navy EOD said...

I would send this girl packing to some desk job as soon as she checked in to my command. Is this what we have to look forward to in Obama's new Right Sized military? 

Navy EOD said...

And what's with the Grateful Dead and SWAT team jpegs? Really?!

Boat School Grad said...

<p><span>I’m a big believer in the “Power of the Pack” for correcting this type of self-aggrandizing behavior in a JO wardroom environment.<span>  </span>At least that’s how I remember the 80’s and 90’s in the Air Wing world. <span> </span>Unmerciful. You conformed to the accepted culture or were ostracized.<span>  </span><span> </span>The question I have is what is so wrong with the SWO JO “Pack” that this dweeb didn’t DOR from SWO and the USN all together as a jg? </span></p>

Boat School Grad said...

OK...I'll answer my own question...the "Pack" has been declawed, defanged and neutered.

Retired JAG said...

She is in a protected class.  Likely entirely humorless as well.  Play with her and you will have the IG looking at you and the EEO regs at the same time.  Sad but true.

Boat School Grad said...

Ahhh...So you are saying her reporting senior was too afraid NOT to 5 block her?

Stan said...

I printed Slide 7 and put it up next to a copy of Kryptos. Not sure which will be solved first.

C-dore 14 said...

Hey...her being a possible Deadhead was a "plus" for me.  Now Stu's gone and ruined it.  Of course, I'm the guy who played "Truckin'" at least once during a breakaway.

Retired JAG said...

Probably happened several times...so no wonder the JO's are defanged, their superiors are spineless.  No spine...no teeth.

Old Navy said...

Exactly

C-dore 14 said...

Ironically, despite the length of this presentation, her six month DH tour tells me all that I need to know.

DeltaBravo said...

lol

After reading all this my long-term goal is never to be a subject of one of Sal's Sunday Funnies....

y'all are amusingly brutal.

Grumpy Old Ham said...

No.  I am quite sure you would not want to hear the soundtrack that might accompany this dreck.

bullnav said...

I have never seen nor heard of a 5.0 FITREP, my 13-year old would laugh at the misspellings and grammatical inaccuracy, and that NCM was...ridiculous.  Unbelievable.  I cannot laugh becuase I don't find this funny.  To the contrary, I find it incredibly sad.  Over the last 23 years on Active duty and in the Reserve, I thought I had seen it all.  I was wrong...

Grumpy Old Ham said...

Must be a Navy thing.  I never recall seeing anything of the sort in the Animal Farm/Chair Force's Officer's Guide.  Even if there were, my sense of decorum would prevent me from publishing such a document.  That's what OER's/FITREP's are for (more or less), or so I thought...

Grumpy Old Ham said...

I'd like to see it, too.  Never heard of doing such a thing in my 20+ years in the Chair Force...

Actus Rhesus said...

OKAAAAAAAAAY!

through exhaustive discovery, I have gotten my legal paws on the original.  My myspace comments are now confirmed.  There are indeed blinkies.  Oh, so many blinkies.

HOWEVER, Slide 7 now makes sense!  It's animated.  Seriously, people! It's animated.  And it appears to be some sort of mechanical machine where the little blue dots keep going through the machine kind of like if any of you ever played lemmings.  No?  No one?  How abut the scene in goonies where they open the door to the patio with the overly complex machine? Ok, stay with me.  

Well these little balls go through the machine and get licked up by the panter/jaguar/pumas.

It's the world's most complicated large cat pellet dispenser!

Still got nothing for the grateful dead logo or the bill of rights.  Perhaps in the next round of discovery.

Chunk said...

I need a higher res version!  I can't read the FITREP.  I share a cube with a reserve zoomie F-16 guy who shared the biography letter from the UPT stud.  Oh my.  

Guest said...

My goal is never to be the subject of "E! True Hollywood Stories" ..... they never turn out well for the person being profiled.

Boat School Grad said...

No...She is destined to be at Batt Officer at USNA where she can a) mentor others in the "protected class" and b) suck any remaining testosterone out of Bancroft Hall.

Guest said...

Someone always assumes that "someone else" will be the one to correct the situation - or that the sub-standard performer will fail in such an obivous manner that no amount of being in a protected class will help them.

I agree on the Power of the Pack - there were things that the JO's said to each other that probably would have caused problems if it came from "higher-up".  But it was brutally effective in getting the message across when a cultural norm had been violated.

Stu said...

You are a regular Columbo.  

sid said...

I've been to several Dead concerts...

And -trust me on this- nothing so complicated has ever come out of that experience.

Best one could ever hope for is to grasp any one of those elements...

And ...for many who have undergone the experience... they don't need no stinkin' animation to see little blue dots move about.

Excluding present company of course. 8-)

So yeah. She's proven herself too intelligent to ever be a bonafide Deadhead.

sid said...

Oh and seems the Bill of Rights slide must be a variation on this theme.

Perhaps?

YGTBSM said...

Two people should be held accountable: The one who gave her an Alfoat DH recommendation (usually during your second tour) and the 5.0 fitrep writer. One of those tours was only 7 months for a reason, and that reason can't be that she solved all the ship's issues in that time, and moved on to bigger fish to fry. How do the other LT's in that comepetitive group feel? I feel bad being painted by the same brush that is this profession

CDR K said...

Yeah, well, you haven't lived until you've worked for an O-6 who keeps a baby picture of himself on display.  That was only the first of many clues about this guy's many psychoses....

C-dore 14 said...

Perhaps something by the "Dead".

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