This violent lie is still being fed to young women. It is a warm, fuzzy lie - but one that has no mercy. By the time women figure it out, they find themselves here.
There are certain facts about life that most people who were born before WWII would have told you. They have always held true. The truths are:
- - It is better to have your first child between 25-30. If you want to safely have 3 or more, a few years earlier would be wise.
- - Each year, the available population of available good men gets smaller and smaller.
- - A large percentage of men are still boys because they were never taught what a real man is. If they tell you they have a problem with commitment - they are boys. Sad fact is we make more boys and less men than we used to. Don't think so? Go to Dave & Busters some Friday night.
- - After age 30, if he isn't interested in at least thinking about getting married - he isn't worth your time.
- - A vain man is the wrong man.
So here I am, 30, going along and KaBAMM! My body, which is in charge of me, tells me that I need children, and the relationship that I thought would last the rest of my life has ended. And for the next few years, it got steadily worse. I want something I can’t seem to get, at least not in the way that seems easiest and most secure and happiest, with two enthusiastic parents. And I am scared that I will not be able to make this right, that I cannot work hard enough, meet enough men to find one who wants to do this with me, be appealing and funny enough, be lucky enough to do this in time. I am doing whatever I can think of to solve this problem; whoring my life on the internet, meeting strangers, moving to a new town. And I AM increasingly desperate, because I DO believe there’s a deadline for this. I just passed my thirty-fifth birthday, which might mean all sorts of things to all of you, but to me it was the “mandatory amniocenteses” birthday.The math is without mercy. If you want to have a child by 35, you need to start the, ahem, effort by 33. If you want to have a few years of DINKdom and to make sure you have a marriage that can last, you need to be married NLT 30, which means you need to be engaged by age 29. You give yourself a couple of years, max, of dating (move to 1 year, post age 30). That gives you a first date at age 27.
I am PISSED I have a deadline on this. I never even chose to have this monkey on my back. But worse than the fact that I want kids like I want breath is the fact that I have to arrange that NOW. If I didn’t have a deadline for kids, I could wait until a guy came along naturally. I could live my amazingly good life and chat with you people and sing with Ali and play catch in the park until a boy with smiley eyes walked up to me. My life is GOOD, and I could do this indefinitely if I had all the time in the world to have kids.
This poor woman finds herself single at 35.
....and why I am so glad I am no longer in the dating game. This is just so true - and so heartbreaking.
Phibian's advice to women out there? If you want a non-rushed, non-stressed start to having a solid family? Start looking hard at 22; if you have not already clicked with someone yet. If at age 24 you have been dating someone for a couple of years, give him one more year to throw a rock at you. If after 3 years of dating, and you are 25 - if he doesn't want to make it a real relationship - ditch him. At age 25 there is still a large population of good men. If you marry a nightmare loser at 25 and get rid of him in 3 years, you will only be 28. You still have time. Not all the low hanging fruit is missing. By age 30 a few are left. Still there, but very few. After age 30 you need to accept that you may have to get a second-hand man, or a late bloomer. Still doable.
The toughest thing is, the rules are not the same for men and women. A 30 year old man can easily pull up or down 5 years. A 40 year old man can easily reach down 10 or more years for a wife if he wants. A 40 year old woman does not have that many options.
Of course there are always exceptions - but we are talking odds and reality here. This is age old wisdom. Ignore it if you want, but you are betting against tough odds.
As a side-bar, one of the most difficult things for both a woman and a child is being a single mother. Don't give up, find a man - and good luck.