Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sunday Funnies

Via Andrew, a gem from the good folks over at StrategyPage.
A Medal for Horatius A Medal for Horatius
The True Story
(By Colonel W C Hall, printed in the British Army Journal January 1953.)


Rome, II Calends, April CCCLX
SUBJECT: Recommendation for Senate Medal of Honor

TO: Department of War, Republic of Rome

I. Recommend Caius Horatius, Captain of Foot, CMCMXIV, for the Senate Medal of Honor.

II. Captain Horatius has served XVI years, all honorable.

III. On the II day of March, during the attack on the city by Lars Porsena of Clausium and his Tuscan Army of CMX men, Captain Horatius, with Sergeant Sporius Laritus and Corporal Julius Herminius, held the entire Tuscan army at the far end of the bridge, until the structure could be destroyed, thereby saving the city.

IV. Captain Horatius did valiantly fight and kill one Major Picus of Clausium in individual combat.

V. The exemplary courage and the outstanding leadership of Captain Horatius are in the highest tradition of the Roman Army.


JULIUS ANTINOUS,
Commander, II Foot Legion
Ist, Ind, AG IV Calends, April CCCLX
TO: G-III

For comment.


G.C.
IInd Ind, G-III IX Calends, May CCC

TO: G-II

I. For comment and forwarding.

II. Change end of paragraph III from "saving the city" to "lessened the effectiveness of the enemy attack." The Roman Army was well dispersed tactically; the reserve has not been committed. The phrase as written might be construed to cast aspersions on our fine army.

III. Change paragraph V from "outstanding leadership" to read "commendable initiative." Captain Horatius's command was II men, only I/IV of a squad.


J.D.
IIId Ind, G-II II Ides, June CCCLX

TO: G-I

I. Omit strength of Tuscan forces in paragraph III. This information is classified.

II. A report evaluated as B-II states that the officer was a Captain Picus of Tifernum. Recommend change to "an officer of the enemy forces."


J.H.
IVth Ind, G-I IX Ides, January CCCLXI

TO: JAG

I. Full name is Caius Claudius Horatius.

II. Change service from XVI to XV years. One year in Romulus Chapter BPOE, has been given credit for military service in error.


E.J.
Vth Ind, JAG II, February CCCLXI

TO: AG

I. The Porsena raid was not during wartime; the temple of Janus was closed.

II. The action against the Porsena raid, ipso facto, was a police action.

III. The Senate Medal of Honor cannot be awarded in peacetime (AB/CVIII-XXV, paragraph XII, C).

IV. Suggest consideration for Soldier's Medal.


P.B.
VIth Ind, AF IV Calends, April CCCLXI

TO: G-I

Concur in paragraph IV, Vth Ind.


L.J.
VIIth Ind, G-I I May CCCLXI

TO: AG

Soldier's medal is given for saving lives; suggest star of bronze as appropriate.


E.J.
VIIIth Ind, JAG II Calends, June CCCLXI

TO: JAG

For opinion.


G.C.
IXth Ind, JAG II Calends, September CCCLXI

I. XVIII months have elapsed since event described in basic letter. Star of bronze cannot be awarded after XV months have elapsed.

II. Officer is eligible for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.


P.B.
X Ind, AG I Calends, October CCCLXI

TO: G-I

For draft of citation for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.


P.B.
XI Ind, G-I III Calends, October CCCLXI

TO: G-II

I. Do not concur.

II. Our currently fine relations with Tuscany would suffer and current delicate negotiations might be jeopardized if publicity were given to Captain Horatius' actions at this time.


T.J.
XII Ind, G-II VI November CCCLXI

TO: G-I

A report rated D-IV, partially verified, states that Lars Porsena is very sensitive about the Horatius affair.


E.T.
XIIIth Ind, G-I X November CCCLXI

TO: AG

I. In view of information contained in preceding XI and XIII the endorsements, you will prepare immediate orders of Captain C. C. Horatius to one of our overseas stations (remote).

II. His attention will be directed to paragraph XII, POM, which prohibits interviews or conversations with newsmen prior to arrival at final destination.

L.T.



Rome II Calends, I April CCCLXII
SUBJECT: Survey, Report of, Department of War

TO: Captain Caius Caius Horatius, III Legion, V Phalanx, APO XIX, C/O Postmaster, Rome.

I. Your statements concerning the loss of your shield and sword in the Tiber River of III March CCCLX have been carefully considered.

II. It is admitted that you were briefly in action against certain unfriendly elements on that day. However, Sergeant Lartius and Corporal Herminius were in the same action and did not lose any government property.

III. The Finance Officer has been directed to reduce your next pay by II-I/IV talents (I-III/IV talents cost on each sword, officers; III/IV talent cost of one each shield, M-II).

IV. You are enjoined and admonished to pay strict attention to conservation of government funds and property. The budget must be balanced next year.

H. MARCUS AURELIUS
Lieutenant of Horse
Survey Officer

35 comments:

LT B said...

If it did not ring so true it would not be funny. 

AW1 Tim said...

Yup....  we laugh, because some things never change. :)

 And some folks still wonder why soldiers and sailors drink.

Actus rhesus said...

It's funny because it's true. Sigh.

cdrsalamander said...

I need to find a way to folk in "<span>You are enjoined and admonished ..</span>" somewhere in conversation or this blog soon.

Anonymous said...

Written by a Brit after WWII, I believe. Part of the pattern of decline due to internal rot. NOt the only parallel with UK 1945-1965 either.

LT B said...

I have an upcoming FITREP, maybe I can fold it into that. :)

Grumpy Old Ham said...

I suspect a discussion on the subject of LCS or Diversity would provide fertile ground for such an inclusion.

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of an old Sunday funnies color Beetle Baily cartoon which I saved and framed.  Shows platoon out on maneuvers during war games. Beetle suggests to Sarg that they attack enemy HQ thru the swamp because "they'll never think of us coming thru there." Second panel shows Sarge's platoon capturing a surprised Gen Half-track as he's sitting at his campaign desk in front of his tent. Third panel shows platoon lined up in formation with Beetle w. a medal pinned to his uniform while Gen Half-track simultaneously slaps him in face with Art. 15 papers. as the observing crew-cut Capt tells the Maj. : "That's the first time I've ever seen anyone decorated and disciplined at the same time for the same action."  LOL.

virgil xenophon said...

Sorry-that was me with the Beetle Baily bit

MR T's Haircut said...

HAHA

SCPO said...

This is SO very true in the Navy's Award process...How many times have you heard: "We can't give that award to that Sailor...he is just an E-5" The award process should simple be "if it is earned give it to them regardless of rank" 

How many COs have the business rule of E6 and below nothing above a NAM...E7 - E9 nothing above a COM? 

Then we walk next to a Soliders or Airmen E5's with Bronze Stars and MSMs.  

xformed said...

Like breakfast down here very other Sat.  Have Marine Cols (3 from WWII, one from Vietnam), a bunch of aviators of several flavors (mostly P-2/3 bubbas), the actual pilot who flew "Downtown," the basis of "Flight of the Intruder" - Oh, Navy Cross came with that), one Army Warrant who flew UH-1Ds (slicks -1496 combat hrs) turned USAF C-141 driver, turned commair pilot, and now a LRRP Army CAPT (Silver Star guy), and three of us 'Shoes, me the youngster.

Funny how you can hear a story and start laughing, and also funnier when it's being told by someone 10 - 30 years your senior, and its the SSDD connection.

I so look forward to each time we meet, and also how someone can start razzing someone and no one is dialing their lawyer's number, coz they got butt hurt....and yes, everyone else piles on for extra credit most times.

xformed said...

My CO made me pre-format LOAs and LOCs, for "plug and play" purposes.  All leadership had a handful.  No freaking excuse to not scribble a name, a date (range) and a two sentence what they done statment, hand it to Admn (with Xerox STAR copy on disk).  He also said damn the NAM/NCM CO quotas...just let hium know how many, but never to stop submitting them for applicable purposes. He wasn't about freely giving it Army Style, just to never let a good deed go unrecognized, via laziness, or "time late" decision making.

Saw some good sailors get something when they went beyond.  Usually within a week of smoking about every inspection, there was the Awards ceremony on the flight deck.

Curtis said...

no no, fold in "in media res" from the last report. 

xformed said...

Yep...I was waiting for a request to ensure an equal nomination for someone hand picked by the diversity bullies...to show we're fair about lauding courage under fire.

JAV said...

Yep, when I was in Iraq, the standards for "sustained and above average performance of duty" (ie, end of tour award) were:

Sgt and below=NAM
SSgt-MGySgt, O1-O3=Navy Comm
SgtMaj=Bronze Star
O4-O6=MSM or LOM, depending on billet

Any recommendation outside of these guidelines was immediately questioned by higher, but within these guidelines the only considerations were that the summary of action was long enough (enough words/pages) and the proper verbiage was included for the award recommended. You had to really stand out and have a great boss to get anything better than the standard if you were a SNCO or lower. All of these folks worked out of the same buildings, rode the same convoys, etc. The Army IA guys assigned to us all got bronze stars at the end regardless of rank/billet. They also usually picked up another couple of awards (Army Achivements or Comms) during their tours.

I know a Marine and a Soldier who responded to the same incident as a team during an IDF attack and did a great job-the Marine got a Navy Comm with a V, the Soldier a Bronze Star w/V. The Soldier got his Combat Badge, the Marine did not get a Combat Action Ribbon, since "they were only rockets and not direct fire".

Salty Gator said...

hahaha...unfortunately the same can be said for routing any memorada through the pentagon.  we have outstanding taskers from february.  someone always has a change.  And then it goes OBE within about 2 months.  However, everyone wants to haggle about the OBE details and insists that it still go forward.

I need to leave this building.  It is slowly killing me.

Thank God this SSGT got the MOH.  at least we managed to properly recognize one of our heros.  How many don't get recognized?  Too many.  But we men and women of arms know who our heros are and honor them properly.  And beyond that, we all have each other.

Salty Gator said...

how about the plethora of bronze stars walking around without a combat V or Combat Action Ribben?  What is that all about?!

C-dore 14 said...

JAV, Back in the day you had to return fire as well as receive it to qualify for the Combat Action Ribbon.  This was one of the reasons the the PUEBLO crew didn't receive the award for almost 25 years.  At one point the Navy tightened the requirements to the point where you had to be recommended for the award as an individual (not just documenting the action and including a ship's roster).  Things were relaxed significantly during the first Gulf War.

CS said...

They did, but they've tighten up quite a bit now.  No more CARs for the night baker on the USS Umptyscratch that got one for making cinnamon rolls on a Tomahawk ship.

SCOTTtheBADGER said...

Like, " You are enjoined and admonished to cancel the LCS program forthwith ".

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